Two's Company, Three's a Crowd, Four is Crap
by KholdstareV
Summary: The Four Sword has been upgraded; it now causes different sides of Link's personality to be set free! Is it helpful? Hard to say. Is it hilarious? Better believe it!


********

Two's Company, Three's a Crowd, Four's a Piece of Crap

**By KholdstareV**

* * *

NOTE: This story takes place after the events from The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventures, and contains spoilers from said game. Read at your own risk, m'kay?

* * *

_Link had just finished his adventure. Ganon was sealed away within the Four Sword, and Vaati was but a memory. Plus, he got a fireworks show, just for him. Kewl!_

_He didn't really miss the people he had worked with though...  
Mainly because he had worked with three other versions of himself..._

_I mean, they were strong as a group, of course, but they were boring to travel with! All they did was follow him, and they didn't even talk! What's up with that?? Of all of Link's grand memories of the adventure, not one of them involved the multi-colored imposters that really proved to be more troublesome than helpful..._

* * *

"DAMMIT!" Link yelled. It was the night after the celebration. Link's appreciative audience had now all but forgotten him. He now found himself where he had begun - in the middle of the godforsaken rainy field. As the cold raindrops pelted his face, he moaned.

"You know, this just ain't fair! I don't have a home of any description, and I'm forced to stand here in the rain for some reason that I don't understand! I saved the world!! C'mon, don't I get a LITTLE appreciation!? Or at least a discount on trailer homes?? I mean, I TRY to buy things with all those Force Gems I found, but they say 'NO! You need RUPEES!' What the hell is a RUPEE?? I've never seen one! God, I need a drink..."

Link walked over to a muddy puddle and began to suck up the brown water. He began to feel very sick to his stomach, but since he could never compare it to being drunk, he didn't know the difference.

"Ugh... you know, I really need some money... I remember seeing a huge golden triangle thingy in the castle. Maybe I could take a crowbar and..."

He stopped himself before thinking of anything too dastardly. "Or, I guess I could just get a job like a normal person... Of course, I was never great at keeping jobs...

--

Link is at a lemonade stand. A customer walks up  
Link: Hi! You're my first customer! Want some lemonade?  
Guy: Yes please.  
Link: k!  
Link begins to stir in water and lemon into a cup, but realizes there's no more sugar  
Link: Oh dear, we're out of sugar. But don't worry, weren't you the guy I saw in the back alley at midnight last night giving away those plastic bags of sugar to homeless people?  
Guy: OO runs  
Link: Hey! HEY! I'm homeless too! I neeeed sooome!!

--

"Yeah, that might not be a great idea..." Link thought to himself. "Hmm, well, they're both risky choices - Steal that gold triangle thingy, or try and get a job..."  
Well, what should Link do? He needed money desperately to buy a house!!

After a long time of thinking, pondering, and scratching his toes, Link finally came to a decision. "If I get a job, it will be a very long time before I'll be able to buy shelter. But if I could just get the money all at once..."

Link had made up his mind. He was going to sneak into Hyrule Castle and try to pry that massive golden triangle out of the wall. He had seen it at the end of the game, and it was sparkly. "Alright, I'm gonna need to buy some spy equipment... night-vision goggles, grappling hook, container full of crazy purple knock-out gas to incapacitate the guards... yeah! I just gotta go into town and-"

Link then stopped himself. "DAMMIT! I ain't got no MONEY for spy equipment! God, I hate irony! Just like I hated that stupid story about the couple on Christmas Eve that couldn't afford gifts for each other...

--

_-Christmas Eve-  
_Husband to accessory store clerk: My wife has beautiful long hair. I'd like to sell you my band-less watch to you so I can buy her a hair ribbon.  
Wife to barber: My husband has a watch with no wristband. I'd like to cut my hair so I can sew it up into one for him.  
Christmas Day  
Husband: Honey, I have a surprise for you. I sold my watch to get you this... holds out hair ribbon  
Wife: Oh, goodness, honey... but I cut off my hair to get you this... holds out hair-sewn watchband  
Husband: ...  
Wife: ...  
Husband: ...  
Wife: Wow, how ironic. Yet it truly shows how much we love one another. We both gave up our most precious possessions - for each other.  
Husband: ...you made me a bracelet made out of hair...  
Wife: No, it's a watchband-  
Husband: It's made of hair...  
Wife: Why should it matter? I cut my hair off to make it for you! Doesn't that mean anything?  
Husband: ...it's made... out of _hair_... your hair gives me rashes, you wench!  
Wife: Well honestly, how can you be so stupid! Why didn't you sell that ribbon for another gift while you still had time? Didn't you notice I was _bald_ last night at dinner!!  
Husband: Yes... and I thought it was funny.  
Wife: ARG!! _-leaves-_  
Husband: Umm... well, this awkward...

--

"OK," Link told himself. "I just need a little job for a short amount of time for a spy kit. Then, I'll be able to snag that gold triangle thingy, no prob."

Link looked around. He looked in the direction of Kakariko Town, then in the direction of the Village of the Blue Maiden. Both towns oughtta have some jobs for him. But which one should he check out?

Link figured Kakariko Town was likely still repairing itself from the fire that had happened during the game, so the Village of the Blue Maiden was probably the better choice.

Link walked over to the Village and began looking around for a job. However, he didn't see any "Help Wanted" signs, so he began asking people if he could help them in any way in exchange for money. He then met the old guy at the entrance to town.  
"Hi," Link said, "would you like something done for you in exchange for cash?"  
"Oh, no thank you, but I do know a place you can go if you need a job..."  
"Really? Where?"  
"Well, it's this group of men that live in that fancy mansion on the far side of town. They're always looking for new members."  
"Really, what business are they in?"  
"Well, I'm not to sure. From what I hear, they're a bunch of Italian guys in tuxedos that do people 'favors' by 'dealing' with dead people..."  
"And... that would make them..."  
"Undertakers, I believe."  
"Ah, you mean a funeral home, eh?"  
"Yes, I believe so."  
"Hmm... getting paid to take care of dead guys... sounds good to me. Thank you sir!"

Link ran all the way to the mansion and was greeted by two Italians in tuxedos, just as he'd anticipated.  
"What's your business here," they asked.  
"Umm..." said Link, "I'd like to get a job here."  
The two guys looked at each other. "Ain't you a little young to be workin' for us?"  
"I dunno. How hard can it be? Taking care of dead guys?"  
They looked at one another again. "Alright, we'll leave this to the boss."  
"OK!"

Link was guided through the mansion to the boss. The boss looked up and said, "You da boy who wants ta work for us then, eh?"  
"Yup. That's me. I'm Link."  
"Nice ta meet ya. I'm the Don."  
"Nice to meet you too, Don. Listen, I need just a little money, so I won't be working long."  
"Sir, this is a lifetime commitment. You quit, and you'll be punished."  
"Gee, is this profession _really_ that important?"  
"You bet, shrimp."  
"Oh, sorry, but I can think of jobs far more crucial to society..."  
"Like what??"  
"Like, um, car salesman... priest... lawyer..."  
"WHAT?? How dare you even compare those crap jobs ta ours??"  
"Oh, sorry..."  
"Just for dat, I'm gonna give you a big assignment!"  
"Oh, wow! I get a big assignment for insulting you?"  
"Yes... the mayor of this Village."  
"The mayor??"  
"Yeah, he was a great guy, but lately he's been falling behind in his payments..."  
"You mean he hasn't paid his funeral bill?!"  
"Funeral bill? Heh, that's a clever codename, kid. Anyway, it'll be a shame to lay him to rest. He was such a good customer, too..."  
Link was confused. "Good customer...? How many times can a guy die?"  
"Umm... don't matter. In any case, ya gotta take care of him..."

"Wow, I can't believe my first job is the mayor! Oh, what will I do? I guess I'll dress him in a nice suit, maybe put some flowers around him, maybe a nice picture or two. Have his whole family come over to watch the event..."  
"Uh... sure, you can do all dat if you want. I mean, it's not like any of it'll matter once he's dead and buried..."  
"Hey, that's not cool! Why you have to look at everything so negatively? God, no wonder people in this line of work are so depressed..."  
The Don and the two men looked down sadly and moaned.

Link then stood up. "OK, I'll take care of the mayor."  
"Good boy. Now, the operation'll start tonight at midnight. You'll find him in his bed by then. You ready?"  
"Yeah! I won't let you guys down."  
"OK, but now you gotta decide - you want some help, or you think you wanna go through with this alone?"

Link thought for a minute. Should he have someone help him with his 'undertaking' business? Or could he do it by himself? He evenutally decided that he could. "You know what? I think I wanna do this by myself. It can't be that hard."  
"OK," said the Don, "if you think you're good to go, that's fine."  
Link smiled. "Yeah, I mean, it doesn't _really_ matter how I do it, right? I mean, his family will be grateful for my services either way..."  
"...you're one weird kid..."

* * *

The moon lay in the middle of the sky. The air was silent, and the town itself seemed to be asleep. It was midnight.

Link got ready. He walked casually over to the mayor's house and looked in through his window. The mayor lay motionless in his bed. "Poor guy," Link thought to himself. "You were a great public official. But don't worry, I'll make you and your family proud."

Link tried to enter through the front door, but it was locked. He then decided to simply climb in through the window. He stood over the mayor's body. He was so convinced the mayor was dead that he didn't even notice his heavy breathing and snorting.

"OK," thought Link, "Let's get you to that flower patch outside." He was about to pick up the mayor's body, but stopped himself. "No, I don't want to disturb the body... I'll just pull out the mattress and carry it with him on it." He slowly pulled the mattress off the bed, unlocked the front door from the inside, and dragged the mattress out. He pulled it all the way to the flower patch, but was so preoccupied with his work that he didn't notice cracks on the ground...

"OK," Link thought, "We got the flowers. He's already pretty dressed up..." Link thought his work was pretty much done! But why did Don want him to do it at midnight? Didn't he want the Mayor's family to watch? Link figured maybe he could just dig the hole now, then wait 'til the next day morning to bury him, while his family was awake.

Link took out his shovel and shoved it into the dirt, scooping up a shovel-full and hurling it backwards. However, as he did, he heard a crackle. What the...?

_CRASH!!_ Link had placed the Mayor over an underground cave! The Mayor's body fell through and the dirt caved in over him.  
Link put his hand over his mouth. "Oh crap. This ain't good. I guess I better tell Don about this tomorrow. Oh boy, I'm in trouble..."

* * *

Link returned to the mansion the next morning. As he walked, he heard people talking about how the Mayor had disappeared. This made Link feel guilty - they would've known had Link not been so hasty. They missed his funeral, and it was all his fault. ;;

"Link..." said the Don.  
"I know, I know..." said Link sorrowfully. "I screwed up. No one got to see it! I took care of the Mayor, but it was all for nothing!"  
"Boy, what are ya talkin' about! Ya did a great job!"  
"Wha-?"  
"Of course! Genius! Why didn't we think of burying the bodies in one of the town's underground caves?"  
"But, that's not the point..."  
"Yes it IS the point! Ya dealt with the Mayor, no one saw you do it, and now no one will ever find him! Ya did good, shrimp!"  
"Ummm... I'm confused... isn't the point of taking care of these people so that people can, you know, appreciate it?"  
"Boy, you are some kinda dumbass..."  
"_Sigh_ I guess there some things I'm just not meant to understand..."  
"Yeah, whatever kid. Anyway, the bounty on that guy was huge, and the pay for killing him was higher still..."  
"Uh, wha-, excuse me??"  
"So here you are, 6,000 rupees."  
"WOW!! For such a crappy business, the pay is incredible!"  
"That's enough kid! Now listen, I told you this job was a lifetime commitment, but because of the big hit you just pulled off, there's gonna be lots of steam. So I suggest you leave town..."  
"Umm... I don't quite understand..."  
"Look, we _run_ this town, so whatever we say, goes!"  
"Um...oooooh kaaaaaay... I'll be going."

Link left the mansion, counting his rupees. "Bounty? Kill? Hit? Heh, you'd think those guys were like, the Mafia or something..."

Now then, how could Link spend his cash? Link figured he _could_ use the money towards a house and keep working as an undertaker, but he had more than enough now to buy spy equipment for the gold triangle operation, and plus, the people who worked with him were kinda weird. He decided to go for it.

Link went to the Village shop. He picked out a spy kit, complete with night-vision goggles, a grappling hook, and even that purple gas. He the walked up to the clerk. "Hi, I'd like to buy this spy kit, please."  
The clerk looked up. "Ain't you a little young for that stuff, kid?"  
"No."  
"Well, what do you plan to do with it."  
"I plan to infiltrate Hyrule Castle and steal the golden relic embodied in the wall."  
"Gee, ain't that a bit risky?"  
"No."  
"Hmm, I guess you're right. It's not."  
"Yeah, so, um... how much for it?"

"Umm... how much you got?"  
"6000 rupees."  
"...You can have it for 5,999."  
"OK!"

Link happily walked out with his new spy kit in hand, as well as his change of one Green Rupee. That night, his fortune would increase beyond his wildest dreams...

* * *

Night came. Link readied himself for the infiltration. He put on his black ninja suit, and fitted his belt with everything in the kit - night vision goggles, grappling hook, purple gas , lock pick, sticky "Spider-Man" gloves, "Matrix Tablet" that gives you Matrix powers for a limited time, and crowbar. He was ready...

Link ran to the front gate of Hyrule Castle. There were two guards standing by. Link then noticed an open window about two stories up, in the shadows and out of the guards' sight. He didn't want to risk disturbing the guards just yet, so he thought he'd have a better chance sneaking in through the window. Link equipped his Spidey gloves and looked up at the above. It was at least a thirty foot climb. Could these gloves really hold him? He examined the fingertips - they were covered in little hairs... spiny hairs... He reluctantly pressed his right hand against the wall. He jiggled it a little - his fingers were fastened in place. He pressed his left hand higher up. He then hoisted himself onto the wall, releasing his right hand and sticking it up higher. He began to climb... slowly at first, then faster... and faster. He could almost hear the music thumping in the back of his head... _DUH, duh duh DUH, duh duh DUH_... Before he knew it, Link was already twenty feet off the ground. He turned around to look at the ground below, then camera zoomed in on his face, and Link shouted "WOOOOOOH!!"

He then covered his mouth. Had anyone heard him? He stayed on the wall for a few minutes, seeing no one come for him, before feeling comfortable enough to continue climbing. "No more Spider-Man parodies," Link told himself as he reached the window.

He clambered in and found it to be a storage room. He found the door leading to a hallway and opened it slowly. He saw two guards at the end. He took out the container of purple gas and slid it across the marble floor to the guards' feet. The gas was released, and both guards promptly fell to the floor in a heap. Link walked up and examined the container. He read the label... _New York flavor_. "Eww..." Link thought to himself, as he put the container away.

The next room was very dark. Link put on his night-vision goggles and saw a large canopy bed. And in it was... the King! He was in the King's bedroom! Link carefully walked past to the door on the other side, but as he passed the King...  
"RABID MONKEYS are your friends..."  
Link jumped. Had the King just said that? What the hell was he dreaming about? Link took another step...  
"I'D LOVE SOME more cheesecake..."  
Link was getting annoyed. He was almost at the door...  
"AN ELF KID WITH A GREEN HAT is in my bedroom..."  
Link's heart skipped a beat. Was the King awake? Or was he still dreaming? Dreaming about Link...? Before confusing himself, Link promptly left the room.

Link now found himself in a room with a hundred guards. They immediately took notice and charged. "Matrix tablet time..." he told himself, yanking it out. He didn't notice the word "Speed" carved into it, but he ate it anyway. He began to feel the tingles move through his body immediately...

"YAHHHH!!" Link screamed as he charged at the crowd. In the next five minutes, Link had hovered in the air for five seconds before kicking someone in the face, ran across 15 walls, killed several soldiers with a pole, stopped a barrage of arrows by holding out his hand, dodged a stream of bullets, and swung out of the way of an exploding helicopter. In those five minutes, all the guards were dead, and no one had been woken up.

What had all the guards been guarding? Link found the answer to be a huge locked door. Using his lock pick, Link was able to open it, and it revealed the prize he'd been searching for - at the end of a long room, the golden triangle lay imbedded into the wall above a doorway.

Link took out his Grappling Hook and threw it at the ceiling where it hooked onto a figurehead. He climbed up until he reached the triangle's level. He then took out his crowbar. "This should be helpful," he thought. He looked at the shining golden relic, held up the crowbar... and... shoved it between the two door handles. "There," thought Link, "Now anyone in that room can't come out and catch me. I'm a genius!" He then proceeded to try and pull the Triforce out with his hands. "Come on! You stupid thing! Just gotta get my fingernails a little deeper...!"

To Link's surprise, the triangle began to glow with his touch, and it lifted out of the wall on it's own. Link was freaking out - what was it doing?? It then began to shrink, slowly closing in on Link's left hand. "AGGGGHHHHH!" Link screamed, as he struggled to free himself from the rope. He managed to scurry out and drop down onto the floor. He began to run, the but the triangle was catching up. What should he do??

Link was _not_ about to get PWN'd by a stupid triangle. But wasn't running away just as cowardly? As the triangle zeroed in on his left hand, he decided instinct over logic in this situation. "Cheese it!" he yelled to himself, as he continued to run. "Heh he, I said 'Cheez-It'. Hehehehehe..."

Link ran as fast as he possibly could, but the triangle moved faster still. Link saw the door ahead of him that led back out. If he could just reach it... he could slam the door and leave the triangle behind! I mean, triangles don't know how to use doorknobs, right? Link reached out for the door handle with his left hand. He could see the golden light of the evil relic around the corner of his eye. It was so close... Yet he was so close to his escape!

Finally, just as the triangle came within view, Link twisted the door handle, slipped through and slammed it shut. "Phew!" he panted under his breath.  
"Yeah," came a mysterious voice, "Whatever we were running from, it must've been pretty fast!"  
Link nodded in agreement - then stiffened. Who had said that?? The voice seemed to have come from...  
HIS LEFT HAND!!  
The triangle had become imbedded in his left hand!!  
Well, to be technical, it was actually three triangles arranged in such as formation as to look like one large one...  
But still...  
OMGWTFBBQABC!! Link began to panic, scratching at the back of his hand, trying to claw the triangle out. But it seemed to have become a part of him. "What do you want with me?! Speak up, dammit! I know you can talk!!"

"OK," came the triangle's voice again, "let me explain..."  
"AGH! You can TALK?!"  
"_Sigh..._". The golden triangle began to glow brightly, and as the mellow light grew brighter, Link himself began to feel very calm.

"I am the Essence of the Triforce. But you may call me Fred."  
"Hi Fred," said Link.  
"Hi Link. Because you have touched me, I have now become a part of you."  
"I don't understand. Is you being a part of me a good thing?"  
"You damn skippy! When the goddesses left after creating the world, they left behind just a bit of their power. The essences of pure power, wisdom, and courage... the power of the goddesses themselves. It's physical form became the Triforce, who is me."  
"Oh..."  
"And the bearer of the Triforce gets one wish granted, but-"  
"I want a million rupees!"  
"Umm...Link, I-"  
"No wait, how about a private home on a tropical island!"  
"Link, I'm trying to explai-"  
"Oh, how about a DVD collection of the show Family Guy! Do you watch Family Guy? I love it! It's so funny! Remember the part wher-"  
"Yes, I love Family Guy too, but Link, you must kno-"  
"Oh, there's so much to choose from! What will my wish be??"  
"LINK, I CAN'T GRANT YOU ANY WISHES YET!!"

Link stood in silence for a long time. "Why... NOT!?"  
"Because you're too young."  
"Heh, yeah. People said I was too young to _save the world!_ But I showed those bastards, didn't I??"  
"Well, yes, but, this is different. You need to be an adult to use my power."  
"And how old is THAT??"  
"Umm... however old Adult Link was in Ocarina of Time..."  
"Oh, so 19?"  
"19? Are you sure? I always thought it was 17..."  
"19 seems more suitable, don't you think?"  
"Yeah, but Young Link looked closer to 10 years old, and the game says it was a 7 year difference. And besides, 17 seems more suitable. Isn't that legal age for a lot of things?"  
"Well, 18 is the graduate age. Maybe he was 18?"  
"Hmm, possibly..."  
"Or maybe 21? Isn't that the ultimate legal age?"  
"Naw, Young Link doesn't look 14."  
"Well, I still think he's 17."  
"Maybe, but I still think 19..."  
"Maybe we oughtta double back to 18?"  
"He's 19!!"  
"How do you know??"  
"I read in the Wind Waker strategy guide that Link was celebrating his 12th birthday, which was special because that meant he was the same age as the Hero of Time of legend. And OoT Link was the Hero of Time, right? Therefore, if Young Link was 12, Adult Link would be 19!!"  
"Why the hell would YOUNG Link be counted as the Hero of Time? He didn't do any of the work!"  
"FINE!! We'll make it 18, OK!?"  
"OK... but you're the Triforce. Shouldn't you know these things already?"  
"Just shut up, alright?"

"OK, so I gotta wait until I'm 18. That means I gotta wait for 7 years before I can make my wish..."  
"Yeah, and for those seven years, you'll be a frickin' greedy monster magnet!"  
"WHAT?!"

"Yes, now that the Triforce has been awakened, it's glow shall call out to those who desire it most. And unfortunately, most of those people are... evil monsters."  
"Oh, dammit..."  
"Well, no one would've ever suspected that the relic above the doorway was the _real_ Triforce. Heh, pretty clever hiding spot, eh?"  
"Yeah, whatever. So I gotta spend the next seven years running away from monsters that want to kill me??"  
"I'm afraid so. You won't be able to do it alone..."  
"Yeah..."  
"You'll need help."  
"I heard that..."  
"You know who I mean, don't you?"

Link stood up. His eyes went wide. "No..."  
"Yes, Link. They're your only hope."  
"No! NO! I hated them! No no no! Never! I can't ask for their help again!"  
"Link, listen to me. It's inevitable. Whether you do it now, or wait until the brink of death, you will find yourself drawing the Four Sword as long as you're alive and as long as I'm with you..."

Link looked at his left hand. "I hate you... so much."  
"Hey! YOU'RE the one who touched me because you were so hungry for money!"  
"Oh, so it's MY fault now??"  
"Yes! It IS your fault!"  
Link opened his mouth, but realized he'd just been sussed.

"OK, so Link, you wanna pull the sword now, or wait until the monsters begin to approach your position? It won't be long either way..."

Link said nothing, and simply stood there in silence, staring at the symbol on his hand.

"Ya know what, I ain't gonna wait for you to answer! Just pull the sword!" Fred shouted.  
"No way, not yet. I'm gonna wait and see if I can do this myself..."  
"Gee, that's too bad!"  
And out of nowhere, an invisible hand pelted Link across the face.  
"OW OW OW!" he cried. " OK, I'll do it now!!"  
Fred snickered.  
As Link made his way back to the Sanctuary, he thought to himself, "You know, for a guy with such a monosyllabic vocabulary, he's awfully persuasive..."

Link made his way out into the cold, rainy night. It was going to be a long walk to the Sanctuary. As he did, he squinted to see through the engulfing fog. Trees didn't become visible until they were mere yards away. Link feared he might become lost.  
"Don't worry Link, I can guide you there."  
"OK. Oh, and, um, back there, you punched me... does that mean you can interact with the environment?"  
"Yes, but my interactivity is very limited..."  
"So, you can only interact with certain things?"  
"Not exactly, but I can interact with many things only for a short time and only if they're in range."  
"How about Interactive Stories?"  
"Shut up Link."  
"OK, but you can interact with me all you want, right?"  
"Yup. If I can ever you my interactivity powers to aid you, I'm always here to help."  
"Hold me..."  
"Absolutely not."

Link soon found himself walking through the dense woods that separated the castle grounds from the Sanctuary site. As he did, Link began to feel very nervous. "Fred, I'm scared," whispered Link, "even more scared than the first time I saw Halloween..."

--

Link: Oh no, here it comes... Oh, I can't watch!  
_-Michael Myers comes in with his knife-  
-Close-up of Jamie Lee Curtis screaming ensues-  
_Link: AAAGGGHHH!! Oh my God!! Jamie Lee Curtis looks like a MAN!! Oh, it's too horrible!!

--

"Don't worry, Link. Just press on, and we'll be outta here before you know it!"  
"OK, thanks for the reassurance..."  
"You're welcome. That'll be five bucks."  
"WHAT?! You expect me to PAY for REASSURANCE??"  
"Yeah, the Triforce needs to spend a few dollars now and then, didn't you know?"  
"No, but that's not the point! Reassurance should just be a small gesture of kindness!"  
"Kindness ain't my thing. If you wanna me to do it, you gotta pay up."  
"All I got is one rupee, and I ain't wastin' it on YOU!"

All of a sudden, a scurrying sound came from within the bushes around them. Link froze. "Wha- what was that...?"  
"I don't know, Link. Just stay quiet. Don't move. _Don't even breath..._"

Link stood still, as quietly as he could, but his knees were shaking so bad the leaves below him were rustling. He did a slow sweep of the fog around him. He slowly turned his head, carefully observing the fog, when suddenly - he spotted something...  
Something big...  
Something round...  
Something hovering in mid-air...

Link closed his eyes for several seconds, and opened them again.  
The shape was still there.  
Link closed his eyes again, and reopened them.  
The figure remained, closer this time...  
Link closed his eyes once more in frustration. "C'mon!" he told himself, "This always works in the movies...!"  
Link reopened his eyes again...  
And found himself staring into a gigantic, hideous eye!  
Link screamed and began to back up, but he tripped over a root, landing hard on his butt. The figure inched forward, with Link frantically scurrying backwards on all fours. Until he bumped into something...

Link looked up to see a very large, black silhouette standing over him. Link couldn't quite tell in the fog, but it appeared as though it was looking down at him...  
Link saw it raise it's... arm? It appeared very long, with three sharp fingers jutting out, as though ready to slice Link to pieces.

At that moment, Link screamed and jumped up. The black figure swung his arm down, creating three huge scratch marks in the dirt where Link's head should've been. Link ran and ran and ran until the Sanctuary finally came into view.

"Thank Gods!" he exclaimed, and he ran up the steps inside. The Four Sword lay directly ahead.  
"Go on Link," said Fred. "Pull it..."  
Link slowly approached the blade. His hands still sweaty and shaking from the previous event, he carefully grabbed the hilt... and began to pull it up. As he did, an unfamiliar light began to seep out of the blade's pedestal and began to circulate Link's body...

Link finally yanked the sword loose and held it high above his head. "Here we go again..." he muttered to himself.

However, something was odd. This transformation was different than he'd remembered. Odd colored light was beginning to engulf Link. "Help, Fred! What's happening!?"  
"I... I don't know!"  
Link was getting scared. He felt the mist beginning to rip him apart!  
What should he do??

Despite how scared Link was, he waited and hoped that whatever was happening was happening for the better.

As Link gripped the sword hilt, a painful ripping feeling began to grow in his chest. "GAAAHHH! It's a baby alien ready to tear out of my torso!!" But to Link's surprise, a red ectoplasmic ball ripped out of Link's chest instead. The swirling light became brighter and swirled faster now. A blue ball soon followed, painfully tearing out of Link's chest. Not long after, a purple cloud escaped from Link's body, too. The swirling mist then began to die down, and finally disappeared.

However, the three colored balls of mist remained afloat, simply hovering for what seemed like a very long time. But then, they began to take shape. Like big balls of clay, they shifted and squirmed, molding themselves into indiscernible shapes. Clunky at first, but it soon became apparent - they were molding into Links! Once they were all in the perfect shape, a flash of light filled the room, and...

Link found himself staring into the faces of his three old companions that he had grown to know and hate.  
"Hey guys..." he said, softly.

"Hi..."  
"Wassup?"  
"Helloooooo!"

Link's eyes shot up in surprise. Had they just spoken?? He turned around and observed his clones. They all looked the same, but on the other hand, they all appeared so diverse. He couldn't quite explain it, but he could see it in their faces.  
Red had a sort of evil smirk on his face.  
Blue looked so bored he probably had no clue what was going on.  
And Purple... was he playing with his hair and reciting Backstreet Boys lyrics??

"What's going ON here?!" Link cried audibly.  
"Hmmm..." thought Fred. "Seems like the Picori have been at work spiffing up the Four Sword..."  
"The _who_??"  
"The Picori! You know, The Minish! Geez, haven't you ever played Minish Cap?"  
"Umm... I don't play kiddy games."  
"Whatever pal..."

Blue stepped forward and sighed. "It is our understanding that you've had past affiliations with the blade that houses the power to quadruple it's host. Well, last time you drew the weapon, your clones were merely mirrors of you, empty shells incapable of governing their own actions, dependant on your every decision. However, the Picori have lately been actively researching the various personalities contained within the human soul. Therefore, they have infused the saber with a spell that can duplicate the various _'selves within a self'_, so to speak, and shape them into physical forms, giving the host the benefit of multiple mindsets and personalities."

Link stood with a blank stare, a line of drool coming from the corner of his mouth. "What... the... hell?"

Red stepped forward this time. "In idiot talk, last time you got the Four Sword, your clones were just a bunch of copycat dummies. But the Picori have beefed up the sword, so now different sides of yourself have come out. Make sense, moron?"

Link was pretty amazed. "Wow, cool! So, you guys are different parts of my personality?"

"That'th right, thilly-poo!" said Purple happily. "Were the physical forms of the deepest reaches of your inner thelf! Ooooooh, I'm tho excited!"

Link stood there astounded. "Awesome!! So... so... the Four Sword has helped bring out... my Bad Side..."  
Red snickered evilly.  
"...my Feminine Side..."  
Purple giggled and winked.  
"...and my Apathetic Side!"  
Blue did nothing. "Who cares...?"

"OK then, punk," said Red sternly. "Now you gotta answer us this - why'd you release us, eh? Why'd you pull the Four Sword?"  
Link held up his left hand. "I found the Triforce, but I have to wait until I'm 18 to make a wish with it. Therefore, I have to spend the next 7 years running away from greedy monsters that wanna kill me so they can claim the Triforce for themselves! I couldn't do it alone, so I pulled the Four Sword so I could have some protection."  
"So," said Blue, "you're using us to protect yourself from a mess you got yourself into, is that it?"  
"What do you care? Aren't you mindless clones that-?"  
He shut up right there, realizing his mistake.

"You big thilly!" exclaimed Purple. "Why just run for 7 years when you can just fight all the monsterth away?"  
"I dunno Purple. I there are some pretty scary monsters out to get me. I had a pretty scary incident in the woods on the way here..."  
"Alright," said Red, "let's go to the woods first!" He began to head out the back entrance towards the woods.  
"No way!" said Purple, "Maybe fighting really isn't the best idea. I might get all dirty... let'th run west to Kakariko. I'd feel a lot thafer in town!" He began to run to the exit leading west.

Link turned to Blue. "What do you think?"  
"Who cares...?"

"Well," thought Link, "I've just freed the three deepest sides of myself and I now need their help to protect me for 7 years until I can make my wish. During that time, I'll likely be making my entire living with them too... This sucks!"

Link looked back and forth between Red and Purple. Link was worried about going back into the woods, but he would trust the instincts of a bad boy over those of a fruitcake any day. "Yo, Red! Hold up! We're coming with you!" Link grabbed Blue and began to run after him. Link looked back at Purple. "Purple, you won't survive out there on your own! Come with us!"

Purple stopped, thought a minute, and then ran up to Link. "OK, I'll follow you guyth."

"OK, said Red. "Where'd you see those monsters?"  
"Ummm... let's see. I saw one of them over here by this tree... and the other is... right behind you."  
"Bullshit. I'd know if there was a monster behind m-"

He was stopped short by a deep snarl. He turned around slowly... and found himself staring into the gigantic hideous eye! Red seemed unafraid though. "So, ya wanna piece o' me, punk? Huh? DO YA?!" Red yanked out his sword and began stabbing the eye. It had no effect.  
"Oh, sword ain't good enough for ya, eh? Fine! How about I just POKE ya in the eye, eh? Can't miss, can I?"  
Red extended his finger and poked it into the giant eyeball. As he did, the eyelids quickly slammed shut on his finger and reopened.  
"OOWWW! What the hell did you- hey, who's that guy over there? Another one of your buddies?"

The Links saw another monstrous figure step out of mist and into the clearing. The massive eyeball monster and the new guy stood side by side. They looked at one another, and the big guy nodded. He extended his three-fingered arm and slowly approached Red...  
"Yo overgrown fingernails don't scare me, loser! I'll just slice 'em off with my sword an-"

Before he could finish, Link grabbed Red and pulled him out of the way of the monster's fingers. They did a vicious horizontal swipe that, had Red been standing there, would have sliced his throat open.

"DAMMIT!" Link yelled at Red, "Can't you shut your trap for 2 minutes??"  
"Shut my...trap? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"  
"I means GET UP OFF YOUR ASS AND RUN FOR IT!!"

The two monsters had begun to approach their position. Purple was already off and running. Blue was walking casually after him. "C'mon!" yelled Purple, "let'th go to Kakariko! They'll never catch us there!"

Link grabbed Red by the collar and ran.

"Hey! Let go of me, you bastard!" he complained  
"Shut up, pinhead!"  
"Assbite!"  
"Dipstick!"  
"Wang banger!"  
"Ass spelunker!"  
"Scrotum sucker!"  
"Munchkip!"  
"Jooky!"  
"Axeman!"  
"Anderson!"  
"Weregaruruman!"  
"Kholdstare!"

"Wha-!! You did NOT just call me that!"  
"Hey, anything to make you shut up."

* * *

After several minutes of running, Kakariko finally came into view. Purple was already there, and Blue came leisurely walking in after them. "Thank goodness..." said Link. All the other Links seemed happy to be out of those woods... well, actually, Blue didn't, cuz he didn't care about anything. And Red seemed kinda pissed at Link for forcing him out. So, um... I guess it was just Purple that was also happy to be outta there...

They walked into the town, which was still in somewhat a state of disrepair from the fire that had happened during FSA. As they walked around looking for a place to stay, no one spoke for a long time. That is, until Fred broke the silence. "So, Link... who were those guys?"

Red, Blue, and Purple all looked at Link, waiting for an answer.

"I think I have an idea as to who they were, but I'm a little shaken to think about it right now," he said. "Let's stop somewhere and relax a bit first..."  
Everyone looked around town looking for a place to relax and chat. There was an old inn to their left, and a bar to their right with a sign that read MILK(n' Bacardi) BAR. Where should they go?

The Links looked back and forth from the Inn to the Bar.  
"Ooh! OOH! Let'th go to the baaarrr!" insisted purple. "I bet we could meet thome cute boyth in there!"  
Red thought a minute. "Well, I could really use a drink 'bout now. Maybe some scotch...single malt...speyside...no ice..."  
"We can go to the Inn to go to sleep, but I think we should check out the bar to relax and talk," said Link. "What about you Blue?"  
"Who cares...?"  
Without further hesitation, the Links walked into the Milk(n' Bacardi) Bar.

Inside, they saw a few drunk buffoons dancing to a stupid banjo tune. And at the counter, they saw one guy drinking milk and rum. Link took the seat next to him, and the other three took the three seats next to Link. They all ordered milk and scotch.

The lone guy at the counter had a black mustache and wore red clothes under blue overalls. He wore a cap that had an "M" stitched into the top.  
And he was clearly wasted.  
"Hey!" he said to Link, "You... you're that... that Zelda guy, right? Am I right? _Hic!_ Yeah, well... I, um... I... I resPECT you! Yeah... _Hic!_"  
With that, he fell on the floor unconscious and was stepped on by several dancing hillbillies.

"So anyway," said Fred, "we were gonna talk about the situation we're all in..."  
"Yeah, wang knocker! What'd you get us into??" asked Red.  
"Well, I was gonna say I think I recognized one of the monsters from the woods... the one with the monstrous eye..."  
"Who wath he?? WHO WATH HE??" cried Purple.  
"I think he was Vaati..."  
"Vaa...ti?" asked Blue. "Sounds like a word that may have been used in the earliest of Hyrulean civilizations after the development of language. It sounds uncannily similar to the word 'Vautai", which I believe is old Hyrulean for 'dark' or 'shadow' or 'big stupid one-eyed d00d that loves boobies'. I'm not entirely sure, but the resemblance may prove to be quite relevant."

"Umm... yeah. Anyway, I think he's back to claim you, Fred..."  
"What? Back? Back from where?"  
"I'm not too sure. In FSA I was pretty sure I completely killed him... but he's back now. How he came back, I have no idea. But _why_ he came back..."  
Purple barged in. "But what about the other big guy? Oh my god, he wath THO scary!"  
"I'm not too sure about that one. It really could've been any monster, but why would it have been traveling with Vaati? Unless..."  
"Unless what??"  
"Unless that other monster..."  
"Who do you think it is??"  
"Well, his one arm had three really sharp fingers on it. I don't recall ever meeting a monster like that, though I do remember Ganon..."  
"Ganon, I'm sure, is a name with a vast history. It was the name of the Gerudos' god of death, and later became the name by which all lone male Gerudo went by. The meaning of the name stretches back to the origin of the god of legend, meaning either 'evil' or 'vicious' or 'smelly pig douche that likes to sniff himself'. Perhaps this Ganon you speak of has these traits?"  
"Err... maybe. But, Vaati was just his pawn. Ganon was the real enemy behind the destruction of Hyrule. And I DO know that his weapon of choice was a trident..."  
"Ah! The god Ganon used a trident to incapacitate his slaves!"  
"Shut up, Blue. Anyway, the three fingers... Ganon's trident... it was so misty, I couldn't see clearly... Maybe... just maybe..."  
"Maybe WHAT??"  
"...Damn! lost it. I had an idea, but it was just a little too much to think about. Augh, it's confusing! Who WAS that dude in the woods??"  
"Not sure, but I've had enough to drink," said Red. "I think it's time we got to the bottom of this mystery..."  
"Yeah, alright! Let's go! C'mon Blue!"  
"Whatever..."  
"C'mon Purple! Umm... Purple?"

Purple was not in his seat. They looked at the dance floor and saw him grinding up on a drunken bum.

Link: oO  
Red: ECKS freakin' DEE!  
Blue: -- _sigh..._  
Fred: What's happening?? Link! Move your hand so I can se- OHH MY GOD! Turn me away! TURN ME AWAY!!

After pulling Purple out of the bar, the four stood outside in the open night. As they did, they began to hear noises all around the town...  
The trees rustling...  
The river bubbling...  
Deep Animal Growls...  
All over...

The Links stood at attention, ready to fight whatever harm may be coming their way. However, they were drunk, and couldn't fight effectively. What could they do?

Deep monsters growls came from all directions. And it was so dark and misty out that it was hard to tell exactly how far the monsters were... they could have been miles away, or mere steps away. They just couldn't tell.  
"C'mon guys..." Link said quietly, "let's hurry over to the Inn and lock ourselves inside."  
"Yeah!" said Purple. "If I have to fight monsterth, I might get all thweaty and thtuff."

"Good idea," said Fred. "I'm too rich and handsome to die!"

Red drew his sword. "Whatever, you cuccos. I'm fightin' my way out of this. It's the only way I learned how to deal with any problems."  
Link figured it was no use arguing with him. "What about you Blue?" he said pleadingly.  
"Who cares...?"  
"DAMMIT Blue! Your apathy is really gonna get you killed one day!"  
"You think I care?"  
"...Meh, obviously not. If you two wanna stay out here, go ahead. You'll make fine guards for us... or maybe you'll just be happy being the one's who die first!"  
"Better than dying last..."  
"URGH! Whatever! C'mon Purple, let's go."  
"Okaaaaaaay!"

Link and Purple ran into the old Inn and shut the front door. No one was behind the counter, so they stole a key from behind and checked the number room it was for. They ran up a flight of stairs and into their room, from which they looked out to the window. Red and Blue were standing in the mist below.

Red had his sword ready, gritting his teeth in an angry manner, as usual.  
Blue had dug his sword into the ground and was using the hilt as a handle to lean on. He was looking and his fingernails.

At last, the threat came into view.  
It was a humungous army of Wolfos.  
Snarling, savage beasts, hungry for flesh.  
Surrounding them... closing in on them...

"Oh my GOD! Link, hold onto me!"  
"Hell no! Get off me Purple! Let go of my arm! STOP THAT!!"

Red began swinging at the Wolfos, which drew them back slightly, but they still advanced anyway. He was clearly frightened, but was not ready to admit defeat.  
Blue seemed aware of what was happening, but would look up for only a second before looking back at his nails.

"You know Link, we're in a hotel room together... alone... with a queen size bed..."  
"Wha- Ah... Aaaooooohhhh! Purple, c'mon! That's sick!"  
"Hehehehehe..."  
"Shut up, Fred."

Link then noticed something unusual about the scene below. All the Wolfos seemed to be focusing totally on Red... The ones close to Blue didn't even seem to know he was there. They saw right through him, and if he was in their path to Red, they would maneuver around him. Almost as though there was some sort of barrier around him...  
The barrier of fearlessness...

Yes! That must've been it! The Wolfos must only be attracted to fear! Wolfos relied mostly on hunting instincts, so the fear of their prey must have been what they used to find it! Red, while certainly brave and hot-tempered, was still capable of feeling fear. Blue, however...

Link knew he had to help. He thought maybe he could open the window and yell a command to Blue that might coax him to help save Red's life and maybe even help Link and Purple get out of this predicament altogether.  
Link opened the window and crack, took in a breath and yelled...

"Blue! Help Red or I'll kick you in the nuts!"

Blue looked up at the window at Link, his expression blank. He stared for a few seconds, then shut his eyes, shrugged, and ambled over to Red. As he did, the Wolfos in his path parted out of the way, almost like magic. Blue then stood right next to Red, and the Wolfos, which had been only mere inches away, backed up. The Wolfos began to whimper and whine, sniffing the air, pawing at the ground. They smelled fear, yet they didn't, and their confusion was scaring them.

"OK Blue, bring Red over to the front door of the Inn. We're coming out."

Blue looked up at Link, then at Red. He gently placed his hand on Red's shoulder and proceeded to guide him through the confused Wolfos crowd to the Inn's front door. Once there, Link and Purple ran down the stairs of the Inn and stopped at the door.

"OK Purple," said Link calmly, "We've got Blue's protection, alright? Just remember that, and try your best not to be scared. If we're too scared, our fear may overwhelm Blue's barrier, and the Wolfos might get us. Just remember - _We've got Blue's protection. They can't hurt us..._"  
Purple nodded, but didn't seem completely convinced.

Link opened the front door into the hungry gang of Wolfos. Blue and Red stood there, standing in their protective circle. Blue stared intently at Link, almost as though awaiting his next command.

"OK Blue," whispered Link, "Guide us back to Hyrule Castle. I think that's the safest place for us. It's in that direction..." Link pointed hesitantly.  
Blue looked in the direction Link pointed, his expression blank. He looked back at Link, then at Red, who seemed to realize he was perfectly safe, then at Purple, who was shaking pretty badly, then back at Link. He nodded slowly and began treading softly through the crowd.

It was hard keeping all four Links within the safety of Blue's "bubble". Link realized this, and whispered, "Guys, we have to stay really close. C'mon, let's huddle around Blue and stay as close as possible." Purple immediately jumped at Blue and held him tightly. Link walked up and grabbed the back of Blue's shirt. Red, who already had one of Blue's hands on his shoulder, promptly lifted his hand and put it on Blue's shoulder, respectively. The four walked together as one through the crowd of savage beasts.

After several minutes, they finally made it out of Kakariko, leaving the frightened crowd of Wolfos behind. Once they were out of view, everyone immediately separated.

"Wow Blue, you saved us!" said Link. "Thanks!"  
"Yeah, that wath really scary! I can't believe, like, you weren't thcared!!"  
"Nice job, pencil dick. I don't usually say it, but thanks."  
Blue stared at each one as they spoke, his face unchanged. "Whatever. When you've got no emotions, the only things you're really good at are thinking and following orders..."  
Link was surprised. "So... you only did it because I told you to?"  
"Yeah..."  
"Oh... I thought maybe you did it because you..."  
"Cared? No. I don't care. I _can't_ care."  
"That's weak, dude. Seriously weak."  
"Whatever. I don't give..."  
Red stepped forward. "You're a frickin' assmunch, you know that?" With that, red socked Blue in the face.  
But as he did, Link felt a very intense pain in his chest.  
"Whoa, dude, what's your problem?" asked Red.  
"It's weird. I think you punching Blue effected me inside somehow... like, it actually hurt me when you hurt him."  
"Wow. I guess we better be careful then, eh?"

"And another thing," said Link, "Had one of you two been the bearer of the Triforce, the Wolfos might have gotten it! They were no doubt pawns of Vaati and his partner trying to get the Triforce. I don't think it's safe to have just one of us hold it. Maybe we should split it up..."  
"That'th a good idea! But who should get what pieth?"  
"Hmm... hey Fred, could you divide yourself so that we can split you up among us?"  
"Umm... I guess, since you're all technically the same person... Normally, my splitting policy is very strict, but this time, I'm sure I can make an exception. But remember, the respective pieces, Power, Wisdom and Courage, will float only to the ones most deserving of their respective properties. So are you sure you wanna do this?"  
"Hmmm..." thought Link, "tough choice..."

"Oh, and Link... isn't this supposed to be a comedy story?"  
"Fred, this is the _story-telling_ section of the story. Since when is story-telling funny?  
"Wait, I know! 'There once was a man from Nantucket-"  
"Fred, please..."  
"FINE! Just trying to lighten up the mood here."

Link thought a bit. Should he split the Triforce up? Or should he keep it himself?

Link looked at Fred. "Hmm... I think splitting up may be a good idea. That way, all the burden isn't on me! OK Fred, go ahead and do your thing!"  
"Alright!" said Fred, "let's see who gets which piece!"

With that, Link's hand began to glow a brilliant gold. The glow grew bigger and brighter until Link's hand became lost in a large ball of blinding yellow light. Suddenly, the light burst like a bubble, and out floated three spinning golden triangles.

"Oooooh! It'th tho pretty!!"  
"Heh, yeah! Any FRUIT would think that was pretty."

The triangles began to drift around the four Links. They floated above their heads, almost as though reading their minds, observing their souls, deciding who was most deserving. At last, one of them stopped above Red's head.

Fred's voice was heard, but it sounded deep and sincere, almost god-like. _"Red... your spirit thrives with anger and the thirst for mischief. This feelings can be converted into a strength incomparable to any other. Therefore, you are granted... the Triforce of Power..."  
_The triangle then became a golden ball of shining light and shrank down onto Red's left hand. He looked at it, and saw a Triforce mark, with the top part highlighted in gold...  
"Ha! I got a Triforce piece, suckas! Three guys left, but only two pieces. Heh, I'm gonna laugh SO hard at the guy who doesn't get one!"

Link and Purple looked at each other, somewhat worried. They looked up at the Triforce pieces floating lazily overhead, hoping that one of them might stop over their head. Blue kept his eyes on the dirt at his feet. He could care less.

Fred then made his second decision. Another piece stopped right above Purple's head. _"While the thought of a monster may frighten you, you have already done the bravest thing any man may ever have to do - you have gone against society and have allowed your, erm... metrosexuality to be a part of your life. Therefore, I grant to you... the Triforce of Courage."  
_"YAY! I'm thpecial! Oh, I could just hug and kith everyone here!"

Link looked up at the remaining piece. The Triforce of Wisdom... who would get it? He closed his eyes... he didn't want to watch...

_"I have made my final decision!"_

Link looked up... and saw the Triforce floating above Blue.

_"For being able to put emotions aside and allow intelligence to fill your mind, I... Whatever, you don't care. Here you go. Triforce of Wisdom."  
_Blue looked down at his hand and shrugged. "K."

Link was stunned and, quite frankly, pissed.  
"WHAT?! Why did you guys get Triforces and I didn't?! You guys are just PARTS of me! I'm the REAL me! Doesn't that count for something?? Fred, give me back the whole thing!"  
"But you sai-"  
"Forget what I said! I want it back!"  
"Why? So you can feel important?"  
"YES! So I can feel important! I'm the most important one here!!"

"Hey, the Triforce picked US, bud! Don't question the Triforce, you nipple biter!"  
"Why not!? He obviously made the wrong choice!"  
"Oh, you thilly goothe! The Triforce can't be wrong! Why don't you trust it'th judgment?"  
"I wouldn't trust the judgment of some dumbass named FRED!"  
Blue stepped up. "Pal, settle down. You can either accept the fact that we were chosen to bear the Triforce, or you can leave. Which is it? Frankly, I don't care..."

Link took in a deep breath. He stared back into the woods. It was definitely not a place he wanted to be alone. However, was anything truly better than being with these douchebags? Was it really worth it to go off alone and risk his life, just as long he was away from the ones who stole his precious Triforce?  
With Vaati and his partner out there...?

Link finally gritted his teeth. "Fine, I'll stay with you guys. Just promise me you won't talk to me or anything, got it?"  
"Oh, Linky-poo... Don't be thuch a pill..."  
"Yeah, you're talkin' like a true asswipe!"  
"HEY! Didn't I say not to talk to me? Jesus, don't you guys speak English?"  
"Nope, I only speak bad English."  
"Whatever. Let's just get to the castle, and then we can split up. I don't wanna see your faces again for 7 years until it's time for me to make my wish..."

The Links walked through the misty woods towards the castle. The entire time, no one spoke. Unless you count Purple, who was humming N'Sync songs to himself.

* * *

At long last, the four finally reached the castle... and gasped.

The castle... what had happened to it?  
Dark clouds swirled around the black, foreboding palace that had taken its place. In fact, it looked exactly like Hyrule Castle in terms of layout, but it just looked so... evil... and dark... It was painted black, with crooked roof tiles and ripped, purple drapes over the windows...

Blue looked up. "Hyrule Castle turned evil... most clichéd video game villain plot... EVAR."  
"Yeah," said Red, "But it always seems so effective... DAMMIT! It must've been that Vaati bastard and his loser friend!"  
"Oh my god! Oh, this plathe THO needth a makeover! I'd probably paint it peach and white, and maybe have the drapes be a lighter shade of purple... Jutht like my clothes! OH, it'll be tho much fun!"

The three then looked at Link. "So," said Red, "still wanna split up with us, penis wrinkle?"  
Link stared at him coldly. "Well, if you're gonna get COCKY about it, maybe I will. I've managed to survive with a bunch of mindless copycats, so I'm sure I can manage on my own!"  
"Alright, whatever," said Blue.

Red and Purple looked at one another. "Well fine," Red told the others, "If he's still pissed at us about his own mistakes, we can leave him. Like he says, he'll be fine on his own. I mean, he _definitely_ didn't need our help getting out of that Wolfos pack..."  
Link let the last remark bounce off of him and watched his three betrayers walk towards the castle around the back way, leaving Link to enter through the front entrance. "Well FINE! You'll see! I will survive!"

The last Link heard from them was Purple, "Oh, I LOVE that thong! I Will Survive!"

Link then heard Fred's voice. "Link, maybe I should go with you..."  
"Why? You're the essence of the Triforce. Why aren't you with THEM?"  
"I'm only its essence, and I can travel as I see fit. Please, you'll need protection, and I really need to talk to you about something..."

Link turned to Fred, or rather, he tried. He couldn't see Fred, but he guessed where he was. "What do you wanna talk about? How you betrayed me?? No way. Go back with your other friends!"  
"Link, seriously. This isn't about me, or them. This is about YOU..."  
"Me? Why the hell would you want to talk about me? I'm evidently not 'balanced' enough to even hold you unless it's against your will. Just go away and leave me alone..."  
"Link, you're making me angry."  
"Oh! Oh, I'M making YOU angry! Oh, I'm SO scared! Save me, Gods of the..."  
Link stopped himself for a second.  
"...Triforce."

With that, and invisible hand sucker-punched Link across the face.

"DAMMIT! I forgot you could do that..."  
"So, you wanna talk now?"  
"Hell no! Get outta here!"  
"FINE! We'll meet up again later... but only when you're on the brink of death!"  
"Whatever, that ain't gonna happen, so I guess I'll NEVER see you or those idiot clones AGAIN!"

"Fine then, no wish for you!"  
"Oh YEAH, well-" Link stopped. "What?? NO! Wait, I'm sorry, I-!"  
But Fred was already gone.  
Link could only say one word that expressed his anger and guilt...  
"HORSESHIT!!"

Link looked at the front entrance of the foreboding castle. "Well, if I beat Vaati and his friend, Fred and the guys'll be sorry they ever did this to me! I'll show them!"  
With that, Link ran into the front door.

* * *

It wasn't long before Link was greeted by the sight of a massive army of heavily armed Stalfos soldiers. He hid behind a pillar and observed the scene. They appeared ready for battle. What battle? Link didn't really wanna find out. What he needed was to get to Vaati, who was obviously somewhere deeper inside. Link took out his spy equipment and decided to use it again. All the Stalfos appeared to be around the edges of the room, leaving the center empty. Link figured it would make for a great entrance before kicking all their bony arses!

Link took out the small container of Matrix tablets and popped one into his mouth. He felt the energy flowing through him...

He walking slowly into the center of the room. All the Stalfos had seen him, but they seemed to be waiting for something... or someone...

At last, a large door swung open, and out came Vaati himself. He approached Link slowly.  
"Mr. Anderson!"  
Link raised an eyebrow.  
"Surprised to see me?"  
"Umm... not particularly... and how did you know my last name?"  
"There's no escaping reason... there's no denying purpose... because you and I both know that without purpose... we would not exist..."  
"Dude, I'm SO trippin'. What the hell is in that tablet?"

The Stalfos then began to approach his position. And as they did, they spoke-  
"It is purpose that created us!"  
"Purpose that guides us!"  
"Purpose that drives us!"  
"Purpose that pulls us!"  
"Purpose that defines us!"  
"Purpose that binds us..."

"Goddamn, I REALLY gotta go to the bathroom..."

"We're all here because of you Mr. Anderson, here to take from you what you tried to take from us..."

With that, Vaati shoved one of his floating arms into Link's chest.  
"...purpose..."

Link felt his flesh beginning to disappear. The meat... the blood... all vanishing. His body glowed with a dark green haze, and as it did, he began to see his bones...

--

Trinity: What's happening to him?  
Morphios: Dunno...

--

Thankfully, the adrenaline of the Matrix tablet was taking over. It caused Vaati's spell to recede, and Link punched him back.  
The brawl was on.

Link was surrounded by angry Stalfos trying to beat the crap out of him. Link socked and knocked his way through the crowd. After a long time of fighting, he managed to yank out his crowbar and began pelting the Stalfos with it. However, it seemed no matter how long he fought or how many he killed, more and more would come. He eventually collapsed from exhaustion, and the Stalfos all jumped on top of him in a big mountain. Vaati was in the pile too. He spoke to Link...  
"It is inevitable..."

--

Trinity: C'mon, get outta there...  
Link: Lady, what the hell do you think I'm TRYING to do?! And who are you anyway, and why is this any of your business?!  
Trinity: Sorry, I'll go now...

--

Link used the power of the tablet to throw all the Stalfos off of him, and to throw Vaati at a nearby wall. Link then used the remaining power of it to bend down and fly out of there like a rocket! He burst through the ceiling, and was just about outta there when...  
He felt something grab him!

It was pulling him back down!  
He fought hard to get away, but the tablet's power had worn off!

He was pulled down to the castle floor, where he was greeted by the large, three fingered creature.  
Link looked up at him.  
"Oh my God. You're..."  
The creature stepped out of the shadows...  
"Ganon!"

Ganon stepped forward menacingly. "Wanna know your purpose in life? To die at my hand while I claim the Triforce!"  
Link scoffed. "Sorry pal. I don't have the Triforce!"  
"What?! But you must! That's the only possible reason I could have acquired enough strength to break my seal!"  
"Nope, don't got it!"  
Ganon grabbed Link's left hand and looked at it angrily. No Triforce mark. "But you know where it is..."  
"Umm, not exactly, but..."  
"You KNOW who has it..."  
"Well, yeah, but-"  
Ganon put his trident to Link's throat. "Who?? TELL ME!!"

Ganon held the sharp edge of the trident to Link's neck. Link could almost feel it ripping into his skin.  
"OK..." Link began, "I can explain. See, I drew the Four Sword..."  
He paused. Ganon seemed to know what he was talking about, but was also demanding to hear the rest.  
"And, well... it made different sides of myself come out..."  
"Mmhmmm..." Ganon said impatiently.  
"And, so, I USED to have the whole Triforce, but my, err, 'clones' took them from me, so now they each have one piece..."  
"How did your 'clones' steal the Triforce from you?!"  
"Well, actually, they didn't STEAL it from me. It was actually kinda my idea to split the Triforce between us in order to ease the burden on myself. You know, being the bearer of the Triforce is a big responsibility. Hehehe..."  
"Cut to the chase!" said Ganon angrily.  
"Alright, alright. So, I ask Fred if he coul-"  
"Fred?!"  
"Err... the Triforce."  
"Ummmm...OK... go on."  
"Right, so I ask Fred if he could divide himself into three and split them up among us so that there would be less of a chance of the bad guy, ummm... I mean you, getting the entire Triforce."  
"OK..."  
"Yeah, and so you know what happens next? Fred divides into three, and he gives one piece each to them three bastards, and I end up with nothing!!"  
"O RLY?"

"YA RLY!"

"NO WAI!"

"YA WAI!"

"SRSLY?"

"SRSLY!! I asked him why, and he's all like _'I only gave it to them because they were more WORTHY!' _What kind of bullcrap is that?! I'm the original Link! They're just parts of me! How come they got pieces of the Triforce and I didn't?!"  
"Well, I might not have done the same thing as, um, 'Fred', but still... don't you think that you're kinda being the selfish one in this situation?"  
"WTF?! Who are you trying to be? Dr. Phil? I told you who has the Triforce pieces. Now let me go and you can kill them and do whatever you want with them! I could care less!"  
"You're right! I'm off to find your stupid clones and kill them, so I can get the Triforce! Thanks, Link!"  
"So... am I free to go?"  
"Hell no! Vaati! Throw him in the basement jail cell!"  
"WHAT?! But I told you where the Triforce was!!"  
"Why are you complaining? You're not the one that's about to die, are you?"  
Link looked down at his feet. "Well, can I at least watch the execution? I wanna see those betrayers suffer!"  
"I suppose it's the least I can do..."  
"Awesome. Thanks Ganon."  
"Umm, no problem. So where did you say they were again?"  
"In the castle. They're hoping to kill you."  
"OK, thank you."

With that, Ganon disappeared behind the giant oak door that led to the depths of the castle. Vaati wrapped one of his arms around Link's waist, lifting him up. "You're comin' with me..."

Link was thrown into a dank, dirty cell. On the other end of the room, he saw, through the bars, a giant chair with a skull engraved into the top. Leather straps bound where the hands and ankles of the sitter would be. And... Was someone painting the chair red or something? That was all that could explain the red liquid splattered all over the walls and floor around the chair... Link wasn't sure why anyone would want to do that. He already liked the chair's black and grey coloring.

Link sat in the cell for several minutes. He sang songs to himself, did some sit-ups, played some Solitaire on his laptop... but it seemed no matter how much time he tried to pass, it just didn't seem to go anywhere. He began pondering trying to escape. I mean, he'd love to watch the execution, but what would happen after that? Would he just live in this craphole of a cell and watch while Ganon destroyed the world with the Triforce? After all, he WAS the only one that could stop Ganon. But then when he thought about watching his bastard clones die, all thoughts of the consequences left his head.

But still, while Link would've loved to watch the execution, he really wanted to escape. He was OK just knowing that his bastard clones would die.

Link examined the bars of his cell. They all seemed strong and sturdy, and showed no signs of breaking down. He examined each and every stone block that made up the cell. He tapped and pushed each one, but none of them revealed a secret passage or nothing. He plopped down and sighed. He had to face it - he was stuck in there.

He then noticed Vaati outside the cell, floating near the skull chair as though awaiting the execution. He carried a set of keys in one of his hands. One of them must've been the key to the cell! Link decided he might try to smart-talk Vaati into giving him the keys.

"Yo, Vaati," Link whispered. "VAATI!"  
Vaati turned towards him. "What do you want?"  
"Listen up, I've seen how Ganon acts like he's the brains behind your guys' evil schemes..."  
"Uh-huh..." Vaati murmured.  
"But I think I know who the _real_ mastermind behind it all is!"  
"Forget it, Link. You're not fooling me."  
"_Sigh_... Look, all I'm asking is, do you really like working with that guy?"  
Vaati looked at the ground with his one eye for a while, and then looked up. "Why do you want to know?"  
"Well, you know, I _can_ get rid of him. I'm the only one who can after all. Once he's gone, all the credit for the world's end will be yours!"

Vaati looked down at the ground again. He appeared to be in deep thought.  
"_Yes..." _thought Link, "_I think I'm getting to him..."_

Vaati then looked back up. "No, Link. It's alright. you wouldn't have to do that."  
Link was quite surprised. "What? Why wouldn't you want the credit for destroying the world?"  
"Well, it's not about me, or Ganon. It's about me AND Ganon. You see, despite how much we both want to rule the world by ourselves, we know it's just not possible. That's why, even through the difficulties we face, we're still able to get by and work together as one..."  
Vaati then gave a sort of mysterious glare at Link, almost as though trying to tell him something.

"You see, Ganon's a pretty stubborn man. He always thinks he can do everything by himself, and that whenever anything wrong happens, he immediately says it's my fault. But the thing is, he _says_ those things, yet he truly means the total opposite, even if he doesn't realize it. In fact, if he could really stop and think about it, I'd bet he'd realize how much help he really did need. And that he not only needs my help, but he just needs me, you know? Someone to talk to and share experiences with. Someone just to be nearby. Someone he can call a friend..."  
"A...friend?" asked Link.  
"Yes..." said Vaati, "...a friend..."

Link turned around and put his back against the bars. He slowly slid his back down until he was sitting. He took in Vaati's words very deeply, yet he still didn't quite understand. What was Vaati trying to tell him? What did Ganon and Vaati's relationship have to do with Link? He wasn't too sure, yet he still kept the thought in the back of his head.

He then heard the cell door unlock. Vaati had opened the cell door.  
Link stood up and stared in amazement. "Wha-? Why...?" he asked.  
Vaati said nothing, but instead simply motioned for Link to exit the cell.  
As Link stepped out, he looked back at Vaati. Why was he setting him free? He needed to know. He needed to ask another question...

"Vaati... all that stuff you told me about you and Ganon... what were you really trying to tell me?"  
Vaati closed his eye. "Link, the one thing that separates good from evil is heart. Ganon and I could've easily done all that you did on your last adventure if it meant we could've gotten something we wanted. Would that have made us heroes? No. And I wonder if I may be able to call you a hero either..."  
"What?! But I SAVED the world!!"  
"But for WHO, Link?! For WHOM did you save the world?? Who were you thinking about while you were on your adventure? Were you thinking of the innocent people that may have been killed or hurt? Huh?!"  
Link was taken aback. "I was... I..."  
"You were thinking of YOURSELF, Link! The only reason you agreed to defeat Ganon was so that you might get some appreciation! But guess what! You didn't get the appreciation you thought you deserved! And why not!? Because you're HEARTLESS, that's why!!"

Link couldn't believe it. _Vaati_ was calling HIM heartless! "Dude, are you saying that I'M evil and YOU'RE good?!"  
"No, I'm saying that you're more on the evil side if anything..."  
"No, no way... I saved the world... I SAVED the WORLD!!"  
"It's heart that separates good from evil, Link. It's not what you do that matters. It's why..."  
"You're full of shit, Vaati!"  
"I'm trying to tell you something important, Link! Ganon and I almost killed each other over this sort of thing!"  
"I wish you had!"  
"Link, please. You're friends need you..."  
"My friends!? They betrayed me!"  
"Well if betrayal is such a bad thing, why can't you realize that YOU betrayed THEM!?"  
"WTF are you talking about!"  
"I've seen everything, Link. Red's boldness is what saved you from Ganon and I in those woods. Blue saved you all from our pack of Wolfos. And Purple saved you from that drunken bum in the bar! He was about to slit your throat for your wallet!"  
"Are you f-ing kidding me?!"  
"No, I'm not!"  
"Well, so what?! That doesn't compare to the bad things they've done to me!"  
"Oh, no? YOU touched the Triforce because you wanted money! YOU pulled the Four Sword because you wanted protection for yourself! YOU wanted to divide the Triforce because you wanted to ease the burden on YOURSELF! Don't you see?! All the things you did to benefit yourself all came at the cost of risking THEIR lives!"  
Link tried to speak, but couldn't find anything to say.  
"Just go, Link. Save your friends. You'll be lost without them..."

Link looked back at Vaati before running out of the basement and into the castle hallway. The front door was wide open and led to certain safety, but he wasn't sure he wanted to leave yet...

He looked from the front door that led outside to the hallway that led into the depths of the castle. A part of him really wanted to run out of there, but he remembered the last thing that Vaati had told him...  
_"Just go Link. Save your friends. You'll be lost without them..."_

Link looked into the dark hallway ahead, but was reluctant to go any further. Until he heard Vaati's voice again...  
_"Link, the thing that separates good from evil is heart..."_

Link thought he was beginning to understand what Vaati had told him...  
_"And it's not so much that he needs my help, but that he just needs me, you know...?"_

"Hey! I heard you the first time we talked about it! Go back into your dirty basement!"  
Vaati stood at the doorway to the basement. "OK, sorry to bother you..."  
With that, he flew back down the stairs into the basement.

Link stared at the open front door. But he couldn't leave... not now. But why not? What was it that was keeping him from running to safety? What was it that made him so eager to run into the face of danger? Was he beginning to wonder if what Vaati said was true? And his clones... was he truly worried about them?

Link didn't have time to think and answer so many questions. He closed his eyes, sighed, and ran into the dark hallway...

* * *

After a long time of running, Link had all but given up hope of finding his clones, when suddenly, he got a sort of vision. It showed a door... and above it... a Triforce indention... and Ganon... Aha! Link understood - the psychic bond between him and his clones informed him of where they were! They were in the Triforce room!

Link ran all the way there, hoping he wouldn't be too late. But as he was running, he felt a stinging pain stab his chest. He then remembered when Red had punched Blue in the woods. Anything that affected one of them three affected Link himself. So if they died...  
:O  
Link didn't want to think about it. He instead proceeded to run to the Triforce room. Once outside the door, Link cracked it open a bit, and he saw his three clones... cornered by Ganon's massive body.

"Hand over your Triforce pieces or I'll be forced to take them from you!"  
He faced Blue. "Bearer of the Triforce of Wisdom... why don't you just hand the damn Triforce piece to me right now and save yourself a lot of pain and suffering?!"  
"I don't know a thing about pain and suffering, pal. If you want it, go ahead and take it. I personally don't care..."  
"URRGGGHHH! You are one frustrating kid. Hell, you're ALL frustrating kids! Especially Blue. But ESPECIALLY Purple!" he said, looking at the cowering Purple.

"What about me, Fat Cheeks?" asked Red.  
"Umm... I dunno, you seem kinda cool. But I STILL have to kill you all!"

Purple stepped forward. "No way! Link ith coming and he'th gonna kick your big, thexy BOOTY!"  
Ganon laughed. "Oh PLEASE! Can you really depend on him? He's even greedier and more of a jerk than ME! I envy that guy!"

Link's heart stopped for a second. Had Ganon really just said that? Was Link really as cruel as everyone said he was?

Purple still defended him though. "No! Link'th a good guy! He just doesn't act like it all the time!"  
"Silence! How dare you talk to the King of Evil that way! I'm the KING!"  
"Yeah? Well where I come from, I'm called a QUEEN, tho I'm the thame rank ath you!"  
"You've said enough... I think it's time I slaughtered you and took the Triforce for myself!"  
Red smirked. "Yeah, I'd like to see you try."  
"My pleasure..." said Ganon, raising his trident.

"Oh no..." thought Link. "I've got to stop him... but how?" Without putting much thought into it, Link fired an arrow at Ganon's stomach. It bounced off his rock hard abs.  
"What the-?" Ganon turned towards the door. "Who's there? It had BETTER not be who I think it is..."

"It probably is, tough guy," said Link, stepping casually into the room. "If I were you I probably could've CAUGHT that arrow."  
Ganon fumed. "You tryin' to say you're tougher than me?"  
"Oh, no no no... I'm actually trying to say you're weaker than me!"

Red snickered. Purple still looked frightened, but a little hopeful. Blue was picking his ear.

Ganon was taking Link's trash-talking like an immature schoolboy. "Oh... Oh... Oh YEAH?! Well, watch THIS!!"  
Ganon began to do several magnificent aerobic moves with his trident. He spun it at high speeds, doing flips and twists and daring jumps. The flurry of awesome moves lasted for several seconds before Ganon finally landed in a cool pose.  
"How'd you like THAT?!"

Link snorted. "I guess it was _pretty_ good... though I've seen people do better stuff on a ladder."  
Ganon's eyelids lowered.  
"Besides, that just took a decent amount of strength and agility. You gotta do stuff that takes _guts_..."  
Ganon looked at him curiously. "Like WHAT?!"

Link cracked a mischievous grin. "Like THIS!!"  
With that, Link turned around and yanked his pants down, flashing his cheeks into Ganon's face. Ganon looked stupefied.  
Red was cracking up.  
Blue looked once and looked away.  
Purple was, well... his, um, halahalahala was... aw screw it. He was hard.

Once Ganon had recovered from his temporary shock, he narrowed his eyes, which were filled with anger and hate. Link, sensing the coming danger, ran up to his clones. "Guys!" he said, "We have to escape!"  
"Wow! Good thinking peebrain! I NEVER would've thought of trying to escape!"  
"Dude, lay off the sarcasm. Blue, what about you? You coming or what?!"  
Blue shrugged. "K"  
"Alright. Purple?"  
"Do you work out? Thothe bunth are THO bootyliciouth!"  
"Ummm... yeah. C'mon guys, let's go!"  
"NOT SO FAST!!"

Ganon's massive body stood in their way. "You want a master moonshine? I'll show you a master moonshine..."  
Link gulped. "Oh no..."

Ganon slowly began to turn around...  
He began to undo his belt...

"AAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH! No! Let us out!! NO!!"  
But Ganon's frame was blocking the door. The only way out would be to run through his legs...

What should they do?!

Ganon had thrown off his belt and was ready to yank down his trousers. Link shuddered at the thought of what was underneath.

"GUYS! We have to run through his legs! It's the only way to save ourselves... and our eyes!"

Purple was already running towards the opening between Ganon's legs. Blue, because of his profound obedience, did so as well. Red began to run towards it, but Link pushed him out of the way in order to through first. Red had to settle with getting through last. "C'mon guys, hurry hurry HURRY!!"

Purple managed to make it out, and so did Blue. However, Link and Red were directly below Ganon when...  
"HA!!" Ganon yanked down his trousers, which fell upon Link and Red's heads. Link struggled to work his way out of the smelly, slightly wet trousers that blanketed him, but he soon managed to scurry out and join Purple and Blue on the other side.

They had done it! They didn't have to witness the enormous buns on Ganon! Although, through his legs, it was possible to see the bottom of his buns hanging down, which was disgusting enough. In fact, Link caught sight of an ugly brown wart, but he was thankful he didn't get full blast of it...

But wait a minute... where was Red?! He was still struggling to get out of Ganon's trousers!

By now, Ganon had noticed Link, Blue and Purple standing in front of him, so he figured they had run through his legs in order to avoid his mooning. This made quite upset, until he realized Red, still beneath his legs...

Ganon looked up at the three Links ahead of him... gave a wicked smirk...

And plopped his massive butt cheeks on the floor - right on top of Red!

Link nearly gagged. "Oh, that's just wrong! Ganon, you're sick! You're SICK!"

Purple put his hands over his mouth and whimpered.  
Even Blue looked a little more wide-eyed than usual!

Red's voice came from below...  
"Oh... Oh God! OH GOD! OHHHH FOR GOD'S SAKE! WHHHHYYYYYYYY?? Oh why...! Ugh... wha- Oh my GOD! IT F-ING _STINKS_ DOWN HERE!! OH THE SMELL!! What the heck is this lumpy thin- A WART!! AAAWWWW!! GOD, OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD... I feel like I'm being sucked into a F-ING BLACK HOLE HERE!! I'm being SQUISHED BETWEEN GANON'S JIGGLY ASSCHEEKS!! Oh, this couldn't get any worse... Wait, what's the wet stuff dripping down my... OH GOD NO!! NNNNOOOOOOOOO!! Holy shit! I'm suffocating! I'M F-ING SUFFOCATING!!"

The longer Red was down there, Link began to feel himself suffocating as well. Almost as though a part of him was dying... dying of lack of oxygen.  
"Blue, get him out of there!"

Blue nodded casually, but even he seemed somewhat reluctant to approach the laughing Ganon, who cracked up at every one of Red's frightened and sickened outbursts. Blue yanked out his Magic Hammer, aimed at Ganon's wang (which was still partly covered by his trousers, so don't worry too much folks C:) and smacked it as hard as he could!

"AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!" cried Ganon. He promptly jumped up, yanked up his trousers, and ran down the hall, holding his wang. "I'll be back!" he yelled back to them, as he ran into the blackness.

Red was lying there, his eyes wide, his body covered in sweat, and some putrid liquid running down from his ear to his neck.

Link approached slowly. "Red... you OK?"  
"Well, I just spent two minutes inside the asscheeks of a humongous pig. And I think he farted on me. So yeah, I'm great!... Honestly, do you THINK I'm OK?!"

Link remembered how he'd pushed Red out of the way, and how it forced Red to go last. "I'm sorry man. It should've been me under there..."  
"I WISH it was you under there!" Red screamed.  
"Let's just get out of here," said Link. "Were not near ready enough to take on Ganon and Vaati..."

* * *

The Links exited the castle, still horribly shaken by the previous incident. They made their way to the Village of the Blue Maiden, where Link had been earlier. There was a youth hostel in one direction, and a building with the word "Showers" on it.

Link looked back and forth between the hostel and the showers. "Well, we should go to the hostel anyway, just for a place to sleep and eat, but should we go to the showers first?"  
Red stepped up to him, with a very upset look on his face. He held up his arm.  
"Sniff it," said Red.  
"What? Dude, I didn't ask to sniff your arm, I asked if we should go to the showers..."  
"You'll get your damn answer when you SNIFF MY ARM!"

Link reluctantly put his nose up to Red's sleeve and took a whiff. An intoxicating smell flew up into his nostrils. "ACK! Oh, for the love of- what the hell does Ganon eat?! Ugh... we're goin' to the showers. C'mon guys."  
"Wait, Link. Do me one more favor..."  
"What?"  
"There seems to be something dripping down the back of my neck. Can you... check and tell me... um... what color it is?"  
"Ummmm...I guess..."  
Link walked around Red to examine the vile liquid running down the back of Red's neck.  
"Oh, and if you tell me it's brown - or yellow - I will rip your balls off."  
"_Gulp..._ OK... ermm... actually looks kinda green to me."  
"WHAT?!"  
"Oh, and sorta tan if you count the peanut."  
"I gotta take a shower..."

The Links walked into the building and looked around. There were four shower heads around the dark tile room. Link used his Fire Rod to light the waterproof torches around the room. With that, they got into their dressing rooms and began to undress.

Red was the first one done, who promptly ran to the nearest shower head, turned it on, and let the hot water wash away the filth.

Link was next. He had seen himself naked in the mirror many times, so the sight of Red didn't bother him much. He took the shower head next to Red and began to bathe. "So, umm... how was it under... there...?"  
Red looked at him. "It was something no man should ever have to experience..."

Blue was third. He didn't seem to notice the rather controversial scene around him, and didn't seem bothered by the fact that he himself was a part of it. He casually walked over to the shower head across from Link and turned it on.

Purple finally came out. He had no trouble hiding his thoughts.  
"Oh... my Gosh. Red, your booty ith THO cute. Oh, I just feel like THMACKING it!"  
Red turned to him. "Smack my butt and I'll smack your head in, ya fruit."  
"Oh, tho feisty! Link! Your abth are tho coooool... can I run my finger down them?"  
"Just take your shower, Purple. Please."  
"Okaaaay. Blue! Oh, I like your wang! Can I-"  
"No."  
"But I thought you didn't car-"  
"No."  
"...Fine, you big bunch of party pooperth! I just wanted to have thome fun..."  
"Well, you won't be getting any for a long time. Not while Ganon's on the loose..."  
"Oh..."  
With that, Purple took the last remaining shower head and turned it on.

While the four took their showers, the door opened.  
"Koo-loo limpah! Mind if I shower with you guys?"

Link was mortified to see Tingle enter the showers in the nude. "Umm... I think all the showers are taken..."  
"That's OK! I can just share with one of you guys!" Tingle looked over at Red. "I know, I'll just share with you!"  
"No no no... umm..." Red looked around frantically, then gave a mischievous grin as though he had an idea... "Share with him!"  
Red pointed to Purple.  
"OK!"  
As Tingle made his way over to Purple's shower head, Red quickly ran out. "Well, I'm done! C'mon Link, I think we've cleaned up enough!"  
"What? No way! You still smell like ass!"  
"No I don't! C'mon! C'mon Blue, you're done too!"  
Blue shrugged and exited the shower. The three grabbed their clothes and ran out of the building.  
"Why'd you make us leave?!" asked Link.  
"Just listen..." said Red.  
The three listened...

_"Hey cutie!"  
"Kooloo limp- what?!"  
"Oh, I like your bunth!"  
"My who?! Hey... hey! What are you doing! Get your finger outta there! AAAGGGHHH!!"  
_  
Tingle burst out of the showers and ran naked through the dark town square.  
Red and Link were exploding with laughter.  
Purple came out shortly after. "Well, he wath a rude fellow..."

The four Links then entered the hostel. They were greeted by the clerk. "Hello! Would you boys like rooms?"  
"Yes. Four please."  
"Four separate rooms? Why, we have a special deal going on! Rent two rooms with queen size beds and you get your first night free!"  
Link was quite pleased. "Cool! We'll only be spending one night here anyway."  
"Great! Here are your keys!"

The Links stood in the hallway outside their two rooms.  
"OK," said Link. "Blue and Red, you two can take this room. Me and Purple ca-"  
He stopped. He looked at Purple, who seemed to enjoy the thought of being in bed with him.  
"Ummmm... on second thought... let's think a little more about this. How should we pair up?"

Link looked at Purple, then at Blue, then at Red.  
"You know what? I think Blue and I should sleep together."  
Red seemed shocked and angry at the same time. "What?! But you sai-!"  
"Forget what I said. Change of plans. C'mon Blue, let's go. 'Nite!"  
Link quickly grabbed Blue, opened the door and slammed it shut.

Red was left standing with Purple, who was smiling his most flirtatious smile.  
"Oh God..." thought Red, "this has 'long night' written all over it..."

Red slowly opened the door and walked in. Purple ran in and plopped down on the bed. "C'mon, Red! The bed'th extra warm and comfy!"  
Red sighed. "OK, but you better control yourself."  
"I'm not making any promitheth."  
"Ooooggghhhh..."  
Red reluctantly climbed into the bed. "OK, but we're sleeping with the lights on, ya hear m-!"  
The lights suddenly turned off.  
Red stiffened as he felt something beginning to slide down the back of his pants...

* * *

Link and Blue were lying in bed, unable to sleep, and just staring at the ceiling.  
Link turned to Blue, who seemed to be in deep thought.  
"Hey, Blue...?"  
"Yeah...?"  
"Something's really been bothering me lately... two things, actually..."  
"OK... what's the first?"  
Link thought for a few seconds, as though pondering which one actually came 'first'. The conversation he'd had with Vaati in the castle basement came to mind.  
"OK, I have a question... please answer honestly..."  
"Sure. What?"  
"Do you think I'm... mean?"  
"Mean? As in, not nice?"  
"Yeah..."  
"Well, I may not be able to feel anything, but I am an extremely knowledgeable person. Therefore, out of observing the behavior of others, I've managed to form a precise definition of what it actually means to be considered 'mean'..."  
"And... what do your observations tell you about me?"

Blue turned slightly to him.  
"You're lost, Link. You're just lost. Your of the mindset that believes good things will come to you if you can overcome challenges. But those things have never come, have they? Those things you worked so hard for? Well, actually Link, they did. But the rewards for the great things you've done weren't meant for you. The great things you've done weren't meant to benefit you. They were meant to benefit the world. The people. The innocent. The good. The little strand of peace that may still exist in the world. Your accomplishments enkindled all those things, which should be far more important than simply benefiting yourself..."  
Link thought about that for a long time. "So... the things I've done have helped the world... not me... and I should be proud of that?"  
"Exactly..."  
"Ohhhh..."

Blue looked back up at the ceiling. "So what's the other thing you wanted to ask me?"  
Link turned to him. "Yeah... where's Fred?"  
"The Triforce?"  
"Yeah. I last talked to him outside the castle, and he threatened he would see me again when I was on the brink of death or something like that. And now, he hasn't spoken since. Where is he...?"  
Blue sorta scanned the room. "Well, he's nearby. I can sense it. But I think he's just waiting. Waiting for the opportune moment to tell you something life-changing..."  
"Really? Well, he must be pretty damn good at it if he was able to keep his mouth shut while Red was being crushed under Ganon's cheeks..."

The next moment, and loud crash was heard next door. Footsteps ran from the room to the counter in the front office, and then outside Link and Blue's door. It swung open, and in ran Red. He jumped onto the bed, between Link and Blue. "Screw that, I'm sleeping in here."  
"Dude! You can't leave Purple in there alone! There are monsters after us!"  
"Don't worry. I told... umm... some guy at the counter that he could sleep in that room for free tonight."  
"Who?"  
The three listened next door through the wall.

_"Koo-loo limpah! A free room! I'm jumping into bed right now!"  
"Hey there, thexy-poo!"  
"What?! Hey, what's going her-?! Wait a minute... what's that slimy thing in my ear-OH MY GOD!! AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!"  
_  
The sound of glass breaking ensued. The three looked out the window and saw Tingle running for his life.  
Red and Link couldn't stop laughing.

* * *

Later that night, when Red and Blue had finally fallen asleep, Link lay in bed, thinking about what Blue had told him. And about Fred. What was he waiting for?  
Link then turned towards the wall. On the other side was Purple, sleeping all alone...

Link lay in bed wondering if he should check up on Purple. Part of him didn't really want to, mainly because he was really tired, and also because Purple might take him walking into the room in the middle of the night the wrong way. But then, at the same time, he also was kind of worried about him...

Worried? Was he really? Or was he truly more worried that if Purple died, part of him might die? Did he truly feel worry for Purple's safety...?

That aside, Link knew he should check up on him. He slowly crawled out of bed, careful not to disturb the other two, and opened the door to the hallway. He took out the spare key and used it to open the door to the room where Purple slept.

Link peeked in and looked around. The room was dark and silent, and the faint moonlight that shown through the window illuminated the bed. Purple lay curled up in his blanket, sound asleep.

Link cracked a smile. Purple was safe. Nothing was going to hurt him. He had almost convinced himself that he could go back into his own bed and fall asleep without worry...  
But then noticed something strange...

The window...  
There was a jagged hole in the lower right corner of the window...  
Right next the Purple's bed!

Link began to panic silently. What could've done that? Had it been there before? Link wouldn't know, since he hadn't been in that room before now. But still, the hole scared him. It looked just big enough for a bug to crawl through...

A bug...?!  
Link began to search around the floor frantically. He looked around his own feet, and around the bed.  
He found nothing.

"No," Link told himself, "No goddamn bug of Ganon's broke through the window and into the room. Get a hold of yourself and just go to sleep. Purple will be fine!"

Link began to head back out the door when he saw something...  
Something in the corner had scurried across the floor and under the bed. Link saw it out of the corner of his eye...

Carefully, Link tip-toed over to the bed. He grabbed a nearby boot, likely Purple's, so that he might have some defense if it was something dangerous...  
_Something dangerous..._

Link gulped and slowly knelt down beside the bed...He peeked under...

And saw nothing.

Link sat up and sighed.  
Then nearly screamed.

What looked like a half-foot silverfish was quickly crawling up the side of the bed!  
It was going for Purple!! :O

Link grabbed the boot, but he was afraid it might not be effective. The shiny silver of the bug's body reminded Link of steel... Yet if he woke Purple up, they might get a chance to escape...

The bigass silverfish thing was now underneath the covers!! Link had to act fast! What should he do!!

Link wasn't going to take any chances by waking up Purple. By then, it would probably be too late. Link held up the boot and looked for movement under the blanket so he might know where to hit...  
Ah! He saw something squirming under the covers!  
Link held up the boot and slammed it hard on the moving spot.

"OOOOOOWWWWWW!!" Link heard Purple cry. Purple sat up and stared at Link.  
"What'th wrong with you!? Why'd you smack my wang!?"  
"Umm, well... I was just uh... whoa, wait... I hit your _wang_?!"  
"Yeth, of course! Why else would I be tho upthet?"  
"But I saw something moving under the covers, and..."

Link then froze. Even in the darkness of the room, Link saw the vicious-looking bug clung to Purple's shirt...

"Purple... don't move..."  
"Why not? What'th gotten into you, Linky-poo?"  
"Just... try and stay calm."  
"I'm NOT gonna stay calm until you tell me what'th the matter!"  
"SHHH! OK, Purple... please don't scream when I tell you this, but... there is a massive bug on you shirt-"  
"BUG?! AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!"

Purple jumped up and looked down at the bug on his shirt. He then began to panic, running around, trying to scrape it off. But Purple's fear only excited the bug, and it began to use it's strong legs to tear a hole in Purple's shirt. Link ran after Purple and tried to calm him down, but Purple was just impossible to settle.

Link then watched in horror as the bug slipped into the hole it had created - and began to wriggle it's way into Purple's belly button!  
"OOOWWW!! Link, help me!"  
"OH SHIT!" cried Link. He leapt at Purple and tried to pull the bug out by pulling on it's tail, but it had a sort of stinger that pierced Link's fingers when he touched it.  
"DAMMIT!!" yelled Link.  
"Link! Help! It's going INTHIDE me!!"

Link then threw open the closet and began to rummage through for something that might help him. Anything. It didn't matter.  
He then came across something that looked like a vase. It had blue wind markings around it, and on it was engraved "Gust Jar..."

"Link!! Help ME!!"  
"I'm coming Purple!"

Link held out the Gust Jar and it began to suck with violent hurricane winds! Link pressed it against Purple's belly.  
"OOOGGHHH! OWW OWW! It hurts!!"  
"Don't worry Purple! I think it's working!!"

Indeed, it was. Purple felt the bug beginning to slip backwards into the Gust Jar. The extraction process was incredibly painful, but Purple was ecstatic that the Gust Jar was working.

"Almost... got it...!"  
"YeeeeeAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"  
_FOOP!_

The bug was sucked out of Purple's belly button and into the Gust Jar. It appeared to be dying, but Link dumped it out on the floor anyway. Purple then took his boot and smashed the heck out of it until it was nothing but a pile of silver mush.

The two sat there for a long time, panting, trying to shake the memory of what had just happened. What _could_ have happened...  
Purple was almost crying he was so scared.  
Link was particularly pissed. Didn't those villains EVER do anything original? It's always some half-assed Matrix rip-off!

Red came bursting in a moment later, followed by Blue.  
"Dude, what the hell was happening in here? Can't you two keep your 'secret life' a little more secret?"

"We just had some giant silverfish-type bug try to crawl into Purple's belly button, and we had to suck it out."  
"SUCK it out?"  
"No, not like THAT! With a... sucky pot thingy!"  
"A... sucky... pot thingy?"  
"Whatever, we're all sleeping together. No more separate rooms."  
Red fumed. "Man, screw sleep! I don't want no damn bugs crawlin' up my ass while I'm sleeping! I say we get outta here and continue on our way. We need to kill Ganon and Vaati as soon as possible anyway!"  
"We won't be able to defeat Ganon if we don't sleep..."  
"Fine, but one of us had better stay up and keep guard for any bugs."  
"Yeah!" said Purple, "that wath the thcariest thing ever!"  
Blue shrugged. "I can do it if you want. I don't really need sleep..."

Link looked around at everyone."You know what guys? You go ahead and go to sleep. I can keep an eye out for anything."

Red raised an eyebrow. "You sure, butt picker?"  
Purple was surprised as well. "You're really gonna do that for uth?"

"Sure," said Link. But he then looked over at Blue, who didn't seem to care about Link's volunteering. "But Blue, could you watch guard with me?"

Blue let out a big yawn, showing that he was clearly tired, but nodded anyway and walked over to Link's side.

Red then gave a sort of annoyed look at Link before crawling into bed with Purple, who was already falling asleep. Link put out the light, and Red and Purple dozed off. Link and Blue stood at the foot of the bed, swords in hand.

* * *

Later that night, Link had taken a seating position. Blue was lying down, really wanting to go to sleep, but every time he came close, he would force his eyes open again. Link watched over his clones, and they were so quiet and peaceful that Link began to feel like he was alone, and the more alone he felt, the more he began to think...

Link looked at his clones... their left hands glowed that mellow gold color from the Triforce pieces that they each held.

To Link, the Triforce pieces represented all he had worked for...  
All he ever wanted...  
His hopeful grand future...

...and yet it represented everything he had done wrong...

Link looked at Blue, who was sound asleep now. He looked at the other two in the bed, sleeping like babies. Yet they had to live in fear every waking - and sleeping - second. And it was all because of Link...

They had only gotten the Triforce pieces because Link wanted them too. He had led them right into the middle of harm's way... and then he had the nerve to blame them for betrayal?!

Red...  
he had saved Link and them from Ganon and Vaati in the forest. Without him, the Triforce may have already been in the hands of the enemy... Yet all Link did to thank him was cause him to be crushed under Ganon's ass...

Purple...  
he had evidently saved Link in the tavern from a greedy thief, and not only that, but was the only one that stood up for him when Ganon verbally assaulted him... but Link's foolish decisions almost caused Purple's inside to be eaten out by a horrid bug monster...

Blue...  
Oh, Blue. How he had saved them all from the Wolfos pack in Kakariko! Perhaps the biggest hero of them all!... But Link... all he did was take advantage of Blue's apathy...

Link looked down at Blue, sleeping on the floor beside him... poor Blue...  
Link slowly walked over to him and picked him up like a baby. He walked him over to the bed and set him down on the warm bed. Blue squirmed a bit, but soon fell back into motionless sleep.

The position he lay in had his hand so that Link could see the Triforce piece face him directly...  
In fact, Link was able to see them all. Glowing that lovely gold...

That horrible gold...

The sight of the Triforce pieces was too much for Link. They just made him feel so guilty. So guilty for all the things he's done. How he'd hidden behind everyone who trusted him from problems that he himself had created... How he'd taken complete advantage of his friends...

Link walked over to the window, the tell-tale crack in the bottom right corner of it. Link lay down on the floor directly below it.  
That way, if any bugs came in, they would get him.  
Link almost wished that would happen...

Link took one last look at his three friends, sleeping soundly, with the Triforce marks on their hands, before falling asleep through teary eyes...

* * *

"LINK!!"

Link awoke with a start. Red, Blue, and Purple were all up and awake, and looked as though they were ready for battle.  
"Link! Look out the window!!"

Link looked out, and saw a huge crowd of crazed people trying to smash through!  
They all looked fuggin' undead! "Whoa! What's going on!"  
"We don't know, but they're bound to get in sooner or later... They look like they wanna eat our hearts out!"

Link stared at the five or six crazed, mutilated townsfolk trying to bust the window down. He drew his sword.  
"I say we fight our way out of this! It's the only way! We'll find ourselves fighting for our lives whether we wait or go now!"  
Purple looked bewildered. "Are you THERIOUS!? You're crathy, Link!"  
"I'm just not afraid anymore! I have to learn to take responsibility for myself instead of hiding behind my friends..."

With that, Link dashed for the front door.  
Red, Purple, and Blue followed, swords in hand.

"Wait!" said Link. "There are bound to be more people in this hostel... we should ask them for help, or at least assist them in escaping with us." He jumped behind the front counter and began rummaging through the records of people that had rooms, ranging from all different dates.. The moaning sound of the crazed townsfolk outside could be heard from all directions. It was clear that they'd breach the building soon.

Link then pulled out a file.  
"This file says that there's only one person here that currently has a room. Room 12... c'mon guys, let's go get him!"  
The four began to run towards the room when a voice stopped them. "Hey! What were you doing behind the counter going through my files?!"

They turned around and saw the hostel manager standing there, and he looked quite upset. "Those files are very carefully organized! If you screwed up the order of my papers, you'll be severely punished!"

But Purple wasn't listening. He was cowering at something. He looked absolutely frightened.

"What the hell are you whimpering at?!" the store manager asked Purple.  
"B-b-bug!!"

He pointed at a long, silver bug that was scurrying along the floor like lightning, running straight at the clerk's feet. "Whoa!! That's a big pest!"  
The bug proceeded to crawl up the clerk's pants and underneath his shirt.  
"Oh snap! Get it off GET IT OF-!"

He suddenly stopped. He choked as though he'd just been stabbed in the stomach.  
He then began moving strangely, as though something was beating him up from the inside.  
He then plopped down... dead.

"Damn..." said Red. It was all he could say.

However, only a few seconds later, the clerk stood up again! He was alive!

"Alright!" said Link. "So you're OK then...?"  
But the clerk looked strange... His face just seemed so lifeless... and his gait was very uncoordinated... and he seemed like he was ready to take a bite out of Blue's head.

"OH SHIT!! The bugs are turning people into zombies!!"  
"Not exactly. The bugs are likely parasites, which feed on the flesh of other organisms so they may have food. But in order to 'return' the favor, they feast on the brain, while that the same time, allowing it's host to remain alive by sending certain shockwaves through its brain that enable the host to live off of the most basic of instincts - the need to feed. Therefore, they ar-"  
"Shut up, Blue! RUN FOR IT!!"

The four began to run from the deranged clerk. They ran down the short hallway and found the door to room 12. They knocked on the door.  
A second later, It burst open, and out jumped a tall man with a black weapon thing!  
"AAAGGGHHH!!"

The man set his weapon down. "Who are you guys? You're not..."  
"Infected by parasites? No."  
"Good. Have any entered the building yet?"  
"Well, there's that one."

Red pointed to the clerk that was approaching them hungrily. Before any of them could look back at the man, they saw the clerk's head explode!

Link stared at the man's weapon. "Such power... what is that?"  
"It's called... a 'gun'?"  
"ooooooOOOOOooooooo..."  
"Anyway, I see you guys got weapons of your own. So, ready to fight your way outta here?"  
"You damn skippy!"

"Right, let's go!"

The Links followed the stranger to the front door. He did a sweet-looking karate kick and knocked the door off its hinges. The five brave warriors stepped out, and were greeted by the army of savage, infected townsfolk. And running ahead of them was an army of twenty or thirty silver bugs...

"Alright guys. No time to chat now. We gotta fight!"  
"Wait, sir?" asked Link hurriedly.  
"Yeah?"  
"Just one question..."  
"What?"

Link looked at the surrounding army of crazed townsfolk. "Yeah, could we borrow some of those 'guns', Mr..."  
"Yeah, sure. I got a few extras. But I can't go givin' out my name yet."  
"Aww... please?"  
"NO THANKS, BRO!"

The man then handed the four Links each a gun.  
"Green dude, careful with that shotgun. Red man, you got yourself a top-of-the-range Killer7. Take care of it. Purple guy, watch yourself with that Chicago Typewriter. Blue buddy, have fun with that Infinite Rocket Launcher. It's all I got left."

Blue stared down at the massive contraption that rested on his shoulder. "OK," he shrugged.

With that, the five began to blast the living crap outta them zombie bastards. The stranger had remarkable accuracy with his small handheld gun. Link felt himself blow backwards a couple inches with every shot he took. Red was having an absolute blast blowing heads off with his extremely loud gun. Purple could barely contain his gun, which shot crazily at astounding speeds.

And as for Blue...  
He still couldn't quite find the trigger on the massive thing.

Link could hear the stranger next to him yelling several witty remarks.  
"YOU'RE SMALL TIME!"  
"YOUR RIGHT HAND COMES OFF?"  
"YOU ARE DEAD!"

The four that could get their weapons working would blow up one zombie after another, but they just kept on coming. It continued until they could hardly contain the crowds anymore.  
"Oh no!" said Link, "we're done for!"

"...Oh, here it is..."

With that, a humungous explosion ensued from within the crowd of infected townsfolk! They were blown to bits and scattered everywhere. The five heroes were blown back by the blast, but they were all OK. They looked around and saw every single zombie had been obliterated in the explosion.

They all turned to Blue.  
Blue looked at his launcher, which was leaking smoke. "I found the trigger..."

They then all noticed the armada of silver bugs fleeing the scene.  
The man scoffed. "HEH, WHERE'S EVERYONE GOING? BINGO?"

Link laughed a little. "How the hell do you come up with such cheesy lines in the middle of such a freakin' catastrophe?"  
"I dunno. It's just a gift I have..."

He then looked around the body parts scattered around him. He noticed one and suddenly appeared stricken with grief.  
"MIIIIIIKE!!"

Red lifted an eyebrow. "Either you're in the wrong place or you're just fuggin' mental."  
"I probably am..."  
Red smirked.  
"I mean, I probably am in the wrong place, is what I mean..."  
"Whatever."

"Tho what'th your name, hunk?" asked Purple.  
"My name's Leon S. Kennedy."

Link wasn't sure who that was. "So... what does the S stand for?"  
"Scott, but people make fun of me and say it stands for 'Sucks'..."  
"Leon Sucks Kennedy. HA! That's good."  
"Shut up, kid!"  
"Sorry..."

"So," said Link, "any chance you'll be able to travel with us some more?"  
"Naw, sorry. I still owe Ashley that OVERTIME!"  
"Oh, that's too bad."  
"Yeah, you guys are pretty cool. Especially you, Green dude. I've never seen anyone so protective of his friends."

Link smiled. It somehow made him feel really good to hear that.

"Oh, and one more thing. Some annoying voice named 'Fred' talked to me last night in my sleep..."  
"Fred?!" all the Links asked, interested.  
"Yeah. He said something about a Sanctuary... and a Master somethin'... Master Knife or something like that..."  
"Alright! Thanks Leon!"  
"Yeah, THANKS BRO!"

With that, Leon walked coolly back into the trees surrounding the forest.  
Red laughed. "Damn, that guy was awesome! And he didn't even take his guns back! Sweet, I'm keepin' this..." he said, slipping his Killer7 into his pocket.

But Link was staring at the sun, which was just now beginning to rise, casting the world into a magnificent bubble of orange and red. He heeded the message told to him by Fred through Leon. They had better go to the Sanctuary.  
But on the other hand, it had been a while since he'd been to the village. He thought about maybe revisiting his old pals at the funeral home...

Link looked in the direction of the mansion. "Guys, before we head to The Sanctuary, I just wanna drop in on a few of my friends that live here..."  
"Are they cute?"  
"No, Purple. They're undertakers."  
"Undertakers?! Why in the name of my drinking buddy Satan would you wanna see a bunch of _undertakers_?!"  
"I used to work with them."  
"Oh, so there were no Help Wanted signs outside of McDonalds?"  
"Shut up Red. Let's just go, please? It'll only be a short visit."  
"OK, I'm sure we'll have time." said Blue.

* * *

Link and the others made their way to the mansion and were greeted by the two Italian guys in tuxedos. They immediately recognized Link and allowed him in. "Ah, Mister Link! The Don it right this way..."

The Links were taken to The Don's room. He turned around in his big comfy armchair and smiled.  
"Mista Link! I'm glad ta see ya again!" he said, slapping his hands on his desk.  
"Nice to see you again too, Don!"  
The Don observed Links clones. "Ya didn't tell me you had brothers..."  
"Oh, these aren't my brothers. I pulled the Four Sword and it made different sides of my personality come out!"  
The Don's eyes opened wide. "The Four Sword, ya say?"  
"Yup!" said Link, holding up his sword. The other three did so as well.  
"Why, me and da guys have been lookin' fo dat sword fo' a long time! Well done, Link, well done!"  
Red lifted an eyebrow. "Why would _you_ guys want the Four Sword? You plan on decorating someone's grave with it or somethin'?"  
"Heh, yeah... I guess it would be pretty neat ta bury Chicho with a sword through his heart... hehehe..."  
"Isn't a little vulgar for people in your... err... line of work?" asked Blue.  
"What? No! Why, we've buried headless guys, limbless guys, skinless guys... we always make sure our unpaying customers always get da worst funerals!"  
Red whispered to Blue, "Damn, being an undertaker seems cooler than I thought!" But Blue wasn't entirely convinced that these people were 'undertakers'...  
"Yeah, it's a neat sword, but we may not need it anymore once we replace it with the Master-something weapon in the Sanctuary."  
The Don gave Link a strange look. "Really? Well, good luck wit dat..."

"Do you work with any cute boyth?" asked Purple.  
The Don looked at Purple, then at Link. "What, is dis yo fruity side or somethin'?"  
"Well, my feminine side, but-"  
"Get 'im outta here. I don't like 'im. I once had a guy like that workin' fo me, and when I ordered him ta 'do' one of our customers, he literally 'did' da guy!"  
"HE HAD SEX WITH A DEAD BODY?!"  
"Um, no, da guy was aliv-"  
"THAT'S SICK!!"  
"Yeah, I know, but he wasn-"  
"But still, Purple isn't like that. How dare you be so stereotypical! I expected better from you, Don. I'm sorry, but I just don't want to work for someone who can't be accepting of others' sexual preferences. And besides, I honestly don't think being an undertaker is the job for me..."  
The Don gave him a crazy look. "Undertaker?! What da hell are you talkin' abou-?"  
"C'mon guys, let's just go. It was good seeing you again, Don."  
"Yeah, sure. Whatever kid..."

The Links then exited the mansion through the big oak door.

The Don studied the door to make sure they were completely gone... He then took out a glowing, floating blue stone and spoke into it...  
"Ganon. Master Ganon. The Links were just here. They are headed to The Sanctuary to retrieve the Master Sword. I repeat. They are headed to The Sanctuary to retrieve the Master Sword! Over."  
_"Very good. I shall send the troops there at once. Thank you, slave."_  
"No problem Master..."

Suddenly, the oak door burst open. Link ran in holding a strange, long object in his hands. "Hey, Don I almost forgot! Check this out! It's called a 'gun'!  
Link tried to hold it up so the Don could get a better look, but accidentally pulled the trigger.  
The Don's head exploded.

"Whoops..." said Link.  
"Yo, Link! What'd you do?"  
"Nothing! C'mon guys, let's bust-a-move!"

* * *

The Links began to walk through the woods that led to the Sanctuary. However, in the middle of their travels, they saw three Moblins down the road, all holding humungous spears.  
"Quick guys, let's hide and wait for them to pass."  
"But where?"

Link looked to the left and saw some bushes. To the right was a snow covered hill. Where should they hide?

Red scoffed. "Why are we hiding from a bunch of pigs? They just look like a bunch of smaller, dumber versions of Ganon."  
"We can't risk any of Ganon's guys getting any of the Triforce pieces. It's just too big a risk. We should save our energy for Vaati and Ganon..."

Link ran across the black road towards the snowy hill. There was a yellow sign of some kind in front of it. Link thought maybe he could climb up the hill, but found it far to steep and slippery.  
The others tried as well, but none of them could reach the top either...

The Moblins were getting close. The Links had to no time run across the road to the bushes. The Moblins would definitely see them...  
"Guys," said Link, "let's just stand still and act natural..."  
"You thilly goothe!" said Purple. "We can't do that! They'll thee uth!"  
"Yeah, but Moblins are really stupid. If we stand real still, then maybe they'll mistake us for rocks or something..."  
Blue thought a bit. "That might work. Moblins already have brains about the size of a grape, and many specimens have brain tumors the size of oranges that crush the already weakened brain. That's usually what causes that strange growth on the top of their heads..."  
"See? Blue knows what I'm talking about."  
"OK," said Purple, "but I'm gonna pull my shirt up over my mouth tho I don't accidentally thcream."

The four stood side-by-side in front of the snowy hill, with the black road in front of them, and the nearby yellow sign...

The Moblins walked past the hill, looked at the scene before them, and then looked at each other.  
One of them smiled and looked at the other two, saying something in Moblin talk. After some short conversation, they plopped down and began to watch.  
What were they waiting for? Entertainment? It was Link's best guess. Maybe if they did something, the Moblins would let them go...

--

_-cue funky banjo tune-_

Link: Hey guys, what's up?  
Red: Nothing. Just been writing this song about you guys...  
_-takes out harmonica-_  
I hate you guys!  
You guys are assholes!  
Especially Purple!  
I hate him the most!  
Purple: _-tries to talk, but because his shirt's over his mouth, only comes out as indecipherable muffles-  
_Link: Red, you're such a fatass!  
Red: I'M NOT FAT I'M BIG-BONED!  
Blue: No, Red. You're fat.  
Red: Shut up, you stupid Jew!  
Blue: I'm not Jewish...  
Red: Yes you are!  
Purple: _-indiscernible muffles-  
_Red: Shut up hippy!  
Link: Will you stop telling everyone to shut up?!  
Red: That's it. Screw you guys, I'm going home!  
_-Red leaves-  
-bus pulls up shortly after-_  
Link: Yeah! Red misses another day of school! If we can just make him leave the bus stop every morning like this, he'll get so many absences that he'll be expelled! Then we'll never have to see him or his fat ass ever again!  
Purple: _-muffled laughs-  
_Blue: Why did Red say I was Jewish...? And where did this bus come from?!

--

The Moblins were laughing their asses off. The four Links stood there, and slowly began to walk away. The Moblins, still laughing, continued to walk the opposite direction.  
"I love that show!" they heard one of them say as they walked away.

* * *

The Links eventually reached the Sanctuary. They walked up the steps towards the pedestal where the Four Sword once stood.  
But now, in its place, stood a far more magnificent sword...

The blade was shiny and new, and it looked so sharp! The handle was blue with a golden Triforce design etched into it. And the entire thing seemed to glow with a mystical light...

"Whoa," said Link.  
"I'd like to get my hands on that..." said Red.  
"Looks like it'd be fun to play with!" said the excited Purple.  
Even Blue seemed impressed by the beautiful sword!

Link approached the sword carefully. The others walked carefully behind him. The sword... they walked so warily towards it, almost it was as though it was a king that demanded the highest respect.

Link rubbed his hands together and slowly grabbed the cool metal hilt. He began to lift it out of its pedestal, a strange light flowing from the sword's blade...

But at the same moment, Link thought he heard a voice. A small voice that may have come from a mouse...

He disregarded the voice as likely a product of the wind. He kept his hands fastened around the hilt of the beautiful blade...  
He continued to lift it out...

What? He heard the voice again. It sounded a little louder this time...

But Link still shook it off. He pulled the sword carefully until the blade was nearly halfway out...

What the hell?! That voice... it sounded like some mouse trying to scream into his ear...

Link was getting annoyed, and decided to pull the sword out completely. However, just as he had but an inch more to pull...

"GODDAMMIT! I TOLD YOU TO _WAIT_!!"

Link jumped. So did the others.  
He began to look around.  
"Who's there? Where are you?"  
"I'm on you shoulder, wise guy!"

Link stiffened. Someone was on his shoulder...?  
He slowly turned his head...  
And looked at his shoulder...  
And saw nothing.

"No, the OTHER shoulder, dimwit!"

Link quickly turned his head towards the other shoulder.  
He distinctly saw a small mouse-like creature wearing green clothes sitting on his shoulder.

"OH CRAP! Vermin!" Link yelled, trying to swipe the thing off.

"I ain't vermin! I'm a Minish!" the creature yelled into his miniature megaphone.

Link raised an eyebrow. "The Minish..." he said. "Oh, yeah! I've heard of you guys! Fred told me about you. He said you're the guys who made the original Four Sword..."  
"Yup, that's us."  
"And... then you beefed it up to make different sides of myself come out..."  
"Mm-hmm..."  
"And now you've made this sexy, gorgeous sword here!"  
"You dang right! We're quite proud of our work."  
Red snickered. "And you're also the ones that sneak into people's rooms at night and steal their socks!"  
"Yup... wait, what?! NO!"  
"Hehehehe... sorry, couldn't resist."

Link looked at the sword in front of him, which was almost all the way out of its pedestal. "So, what do you want?"  
The Minish stood up on Link's shoulder. "The sword before you is what we call 'The Master Sword'. It's infused with ancient magic that can repel pure evil itself..."  
"Wow... where do you guys find all these spells?"  
"Ever gone to the LIBRARY?"  
"What's a library?"  
"Never mind... listen, there's something important about this sword that you should know. This blade was meant to be a replacement for the Four Sword. You know, out with the old, in with the new, right? However, the evil-destroying spells we infused it with somewhat... rejected the previous quadrupling spell. Well, not exactly 'rejected', but they were kind of in conflict. Therefore, we were kind of forced to leave this sword without the power to split its host into four..."  
"So... what does that mean?"  
"I'm just not sure what will happen when you pull that sword. It will likely contrast with the swords you already possess. I just thought I'd warn you..."  
Link looked at the sword in the pedestal, a worried look on his face. "Do you have _any_ idea what'll happen?"

The Minish shrugged. "All I know is it will be something really good or really bad..."

Link sighed. "OK..."  
He carefully grabbed the sword hilt. He let out several deep breaths, his heart beating rapidly...

Red stood with his fists clenched...  
Purple was holding onto Red's shirt, frightened...  
Blue stood with his head down and eyes closed...

After several seconds of holding the hilt, Link finally found the courage.  
He lifted the Master Sword out of it's pedestal.

Almost immediately, a brilliant golden light shot from the Master Sword's blade. It began to shake and wobble strangely...  
It levitated out of Link's hands and up into the air on its own, and floated in the center of the room in the middle of the fabulous light show. It looked as though it was splitting into four...

"No way!" thought Link.

But it was happening. The Master Sword split into four. Each one of the four duplicates hovered above one of the four Links...  
And shot down into their sheaths.  
With that, the lights faded...

Link felt the handle of the sword in his sheath... It was the Master Sword's handle!  
The what had happened to the Four Sword? The Minish did claim it was meant to be the Four Sword's newer replacement. Seems that it literally replaced it!

Red yanked out his new Master Sword. "AWESOME!" he yelled.  
"Oh, this is THO cool!" said Purple, holding up his.  
"Very interesting," said Blue quietly, studying his sword.

"Most unexpected!" observed the Minish.  
"Wow," said Link. "Thanks Minish dude. Seems like now we're ready to take on Ganon!"  
"YEAH!" all the Links said. They held their swords high in the air and clashed them together.

"To the Master Sword! May it serve us well!"  
"TO THE MASTER SWORD!!"

Link then looked down sadly. "You know Minish guy, when I heard you speak, I kinda thought it might be Fred..."  
"The Triforce? He did speak to me..."

"He did?!"  
"Yeah, he said he wasn't waiting to tell you something. He's waiting for _you_ to DO something..."  
"What? What does he want me to do?"  
"He didn't say. He just said he thought you should know..."

Link thought a bit. What was it that Fred wanted? Would he really figure it out on his own?  
Link hoped so...

* * *

The four Links exited the Sanctuary. They held their brand new swords, ready now more than ever to slay Ganon and Vaati and their legion of beasts. No longer would the Triforce be at risk of falling into their hands. They were sure of it...

Suddenly, the ground began to rumble. It was as though a hundred horses were headed their way. And every second the rumbling became louder... and closer...  
"Oh damn," said Red, "What are we gonna do? We're no match for a bunch of horseback soldiers! We ain't got no damn horses!"  
Link rubbed his chin. "Actually, I think we might be able to get some..."  
"Really?!" said Purple. "I alwayth loved hortheth!"  
"Lon Lon Ranch is just a bit ways west of here, in the fields. We'd better be quick - if I'm guessing right, the horses coming our way will be here in about..."  
"Seven minutes," said Blue.  
"Yeah..." said Link.  
He then stiffened. "_?!Seven minutes?!"_

"If my calculations are correct, yeah..."  
"Aw, fuggin' hell! We better get our asses over there, pronto!"

The Links ran through the woods as quickly as they could. Link hoped the ranch would come into view soon. The rumbling thunder of horses was getting ever closer. Hopefully the fact that they were moving was buying them time, but he couldn't be sure how much...

Link was relieved to see the ranch come into view a few minutes later. He did a quick sweep of the ranch, but saw no one. No Malon. No Talon. Where had they gone? Had Ganon and Vaati taken them too...?  
Link then checked the stable. Ah! The horses were still there! They were hooked up to a carriage, which was housing a cargo full of Chateau Romani. "C'mon guys, let's all get a horse!"

All four of them got on top of the horse of their choosing. Link mounted a fine-looking brown steed. Red hopped on top of a muscular black stallion. Purple chose the pretty white mare.  
And Blue, well... there weren't anymore horses, so he hopped on top of the donkey.  
The four tried to detach their animals from the carriage that burdened them, but found they didn't quite know how. They then decided it wouldn't be a huge deal...

The Links were ready to ride towards Hyrule Castle when the approaching army finally breached the trees. There were only a dozen or so mounted soldiers on horses...  
But the general who rode in front rode a magnificent black bull. "You children have caused our Lords much trouble!" he announced. " We've come to eliminate you!"  
Red seemed unfrightened. "Oh, and what's your name, fingerbanger?"  
"They call me... Goht."  
"Goat? But you don't ride a goat. You ride a b-"  
"YES! I know! It's a f-ing BULL, OK?! God, you're like the bazillionth person to say that!"  
"Well, I would think it was a common misconception." said Blue. "I was kind of confused myself..."  
"Yeah, you big thilly! Why don't you just change your name?"  
"I don't WANNA! Besides, none of that matters! We're here to kill you!"  
"If you can catch us!" said Link.  
With that, the four whipped around and began to ride north towards Hyrule Castle, dragging the heavy carriage behind them.  
"AFTER THEM!!" called Goht, leading his bull and his following army after them.

The Links pushed their animals hard, but they couldn't seem to outrun Goht. He was always right on their tail. They saw Goht take something out of the bags attached to his bull's side. It looked like a ball made of compacted grey dust. He took a torch and lit the ball. It exploded with flame.  
It was a ball of solid cannon power!  
He then put it on a huge sling, swung it around, and threw it.  
It exploded at the hooves of Purple's horse.  
"Oh God! Guys, keep moving!!"

Goht's armed forces were able to catch up to the Links and their carriage. They attempted horseback sword fighting. However, the Links' new Master Swords were able to fend off any rider that came near. Nothing could protect them from Goht's horrid fireballs however...

Link soon let out a cry. "The castle! The castle!"  
They all looked ahead, and indeed the castle was coming into view. The Stalfos surrounding the castle noticed their approach and began to close the massive gates leading to the castle grounds.

"Oh no," said Purple. "We'll never get in now! Oh, thith ith THO not cool!"  
As Link tried to concentrate on steering his horse, he began to study the scene around him. Goht's packs of gunpowder... the giant wooden gate... the cargo full of Chateau Romani... Could he destroy Goht and open the gate in one move?

Red then shouted, "Guys! I have an idea!" He had to shout over the incessant noise.  
"What is it, Red?!"  
"I know what I wanna say, but in order for my idea to work, we need something flammable in the carriage behind us!"  
Blue then chimed in. "Flammable...! Chateau Romani's chock full of alcohol!"  
"Alright cool!" said Red.  
Link was getting excited about hearing Red's plan, but they needed to hurry. They were getting closer to the closing wooden gate, and once they reached there, Goht would easily kill them. He was already throwing his gunpowder balls more furiously.  
"OK Red, tell us your plan! And hurry!!"

"OK, I'll lead you through it step by step!!" he shouted. "First, we need someone to climb onto the carriage and use their gun to light the Chateau Romani!"  
"WHAT?!" cried Link. "You're crazy! That'll light the whole thing ablaze!"  
"Exactly!"  
"And how do you expect one of us to be able to climb back there?! We're moving at f-ing forty miles per hour!"  
"I know, but trust me, it'll work!"  
"OK, I don't know what you're planning, but I trust you! But who should go back and ignite the alcohol!?"

Link almost considered going himself, but he was afraid he might do something wrong. After all, it was Red's idea...  
"Red, why don't you?!"  
Red grunted. "I guess so! You guys are so damn chicken!" He looked behind him at the carriage. Behind them was Goht, furiously throwing his fireballs, hoping to get a hit on one of the Links.  
He looked ahead. The castle gate was now slammed shut. And they were approaching it fast. If he didn't hurry, they'd be cornered...

Despite the high speed and turbulence of the galloping horses, Red slowly began to stand up. He nearly stumbled several times, but he finally managed to stand on both feet.

--

Woman's voice: Please keep all hands and arms inside at all times, and please remain seated. Thank you!  
Red: Shut the hell up!

--

Red kneeled his legs to get ready to make the daring jump onto the carriage behind him. He was hoping to jump in through the window.  
He swung his arms back and forth several times...  
Let out a cry...  
And jumped at the window!

But the glass was much thicker than he'd anticipated. His face smacked against it, and he slowly slid down...  
"NO!!" cried Link.  
Purple screamed.

Red fell towards fast moving ground...  
But landed on the several steel supports below that hooked the horses up to the carriage.  
Link and Purple sighed with relief.

However, Red was having trouble staying on. He clung to one of the supports upside down, with only his arms and legs, like a sloth. Red's head was mere inches above the ground. One rock in the road just might knock his head off. Link couldn't reach Red to help him. Neither could Purple. Their animals were too high...  
But Blue... he rode a short fat donkey!  
"Hey Blue! Reach down and help Re-!"  
But to Link's surprise, and delight, Blue was already reaching down from his short seat, grabbing Red's hand. Blue pulled as hard as he could and flipped Red up on top of the beam.  
"Blue! My god, you saved me!"  
"Don't mention it..."

Standing on the support, Red was able to smash through the window with the help of his Master Sword. It seemed to slice through the glass like magic. Red hopped in.

The Links outside on their horses listened intently to the inside of the carriage...  
They heard the sound of several bottles breaking and the sound of liquid pouring around the inside...  
They then heard the cock of Red's gun...

_BANG!!_

The carriage immediately went up in flames with the sound of the shot!  
"RED! Get out of there!"

At last, they saw Red clamber out of the window, very much unhurt. He climbed back onto his now panicking horse.  
The Links looked back. The once beautiful carriage was now completely enveloped in flames.  
Even Goht was shocked! He had no idea what the hell they were planning!

In fact, Link didn't even know what they were doing, either...

"Red, the carriage is lit! What now?!"  
"Ride to the gate and turn around!"  
"WHAT?! But we'll be cornered!"  
"We'll just have to be quick then!"

The Links pushed their horses all the way to the gate, pulling the burning carriage behind them. When they finally reached it, Goht stopped, wondering what was going to happen...

"RUSH HIM!" yelled Red. The four turned their horses around and began to charge the short distance towards Goht and his army. They were all intimidated by the flaming carriage, so they rode off to the sides and in front of the gate as the Links past. Goht and his men took their post in front of the gate, determined to stop the Links from entering...

But they weren't entering!  
They were riding away!  
"Yeah! We scared them off!" yelled Goht. His men cheered in victory as they saw the flame of the carriage slowly become a small flicker in the distance...

But their cries were cut short when they saw the flicker stop, and then suddenly began growing bigger...  
They were coming back!  
But why? They weren't making sense!

Goht got his cannon powder balls ready...  
But the Links weren't slowing down. They were charging with full speed...  
At last, they came into clear view. They were mere yards away. Goht stood ready, but anxious, not knowing what was about to happen...

A sudden cry from Red made his heart skip.  
"NOW!!"  
With that, all four yanked out their Master Swords and sliced down at the supports attaching their horses to the blazing carriage. The horses detached, and they ran off to the sides in formation...  
Leaving the flaming carriage careening down the road straight into Goht!  
"Oh Shi-!"  
_KKKKAAAAABBBOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!_  
The carriage struck and ignited the cannon powder that Goht carried! The resulting explosion was absolutely enormous!

At last, when the smoke had cleared, the Links returned to find the gate (and the walls around it) had been obliterated!  
Red's plan had worked!  
"YEEEEEHAAAAAW!!" They exclaimed.  
With that, the Links rode freely into the castle grounds.

The castle lay ahead. To the right, though, was a carpet merchant. Where should they go?

Link looked at the carpet merchant, then the castle. "Maybe that merchant guy has something we can use. Let's ask..."  
Red didn't seem convinced. "No way, I ain't talkin' to that guy. Can you really trust a hobo that shelters right outside of Ganon and Vaati's castle?"  
Blue looked at the stranger suspiciously too. "Red's right. You see, the one thing that separates humans from animals is the distinction between conscience and instinct. Humans have evolved to a point where their emotions and logic have overtaken their natural 'sixth sense'. But because I don't feel emotions, I still have a bit of that instinct within me. And, to the point, I get a bad vibe from that guy..."  
"I dunno," said Purple. "He'th kinda cute."

"Don't worry," said Link. "We'll talk to him and just see what he has. And if he seems untrustworthy, we'll just leave. No big deal."

The four walked up to the merchant, who looked at them happily. "Hello boys! I used to own a business right outside of Hyrule Castle, but lately it's gotten kinda dark and scary and evil... and what's worse, I get no customers anymore! Probably on account of that darn gate. But it's gone now. Thanks for blowing it up!"  
"Umm... no problem." said Red.  
"So, what business are you in again?" asked Link.  
"Why, I'm an Arbor Day activist!"  
"Arbor Day activist?!"  
"Yup! I go around and convince people to help plant trees!"  
"Oh, I'm sorry. We thought you were a merchant..."  
"Merchant? No! I help plant trees!"  
"Oh... good-bye."

The Links began to head towards the castle.  
"WAIT! Please, just hear me out! At least let me teach you how to plant a tree so you might consider doing it in the future!"  
The Links looked at each other.  
"OK, whatever," said Link. "But make it quick. We gotta go kick Ganon and Vaati's asses as soon as possible."  
"Oh, very well then!" said the man, though it was noticed he cast a very ugly look at Link before preparing his demonstration...

The man proceeded to dig a hole in the ground with his fingers. After he was done, he pulled out a Deku Stick, two Deku Nuts, cleared his throat, and began...  
"First, ya take da STICK, and da NUTS, and ya shove 'em into da little hole here really hard 'til da white sappy stuff comes outta da stick! Leave 'em in dere for a while, and nine months later, BOOM! Ya got seeds!"

Link: o.0  
Red: _-is throwing up-  
_Purple: :D :D :D  
Blue: Well, that was... err... insightful.

The man stood there like a moron holding a handful of seeds. "What the hell's the matter? I was just showing you how to plant a tree..."

The Links walked away without further hesitation.  
"Hey, c'mon! What'd I do! It was the accent, wasn't it?! Well I just can't do a New York accent, alright?! Sheesh!"  
Link's face was still white. "I now understand why Arbor Day is so ignored..."

"Yeah," said Red. "I outta put that poor guy outta his misery..."

The man sat on his carpet until the Links were far away enough. He then reached into his pocket...  
And pulled out a glowing blue stone.  
"Ganon, Master Ganon. Link and the others are about to enter the castle! They are about to enter the cast-!  
_CRACK!_

A huge rock flew out of nowhere and struck the man in the head. He fell down, unconscious, dropping the glowing blue stone nearby.

The Links rushed up to him. Purple grabbed his limp body.  
"I had to do it," confessed Red. "I'm sure its what he wanted. Hopefully, that crack on the head'll make him think a little more about what job he wants..."  
"That wathn't cool, Red!" shouted Purple. "Just when I thought Arbor Day had the potential of being a good holiday..."

The Links were then startled by a booming voice. It seemed to come from nearby.  
Purple looked around the man's body and saw the glowing blue stone...  
The voice was coming from within it...  
_"Beedle? Beedle?! Come in Beedle!! What were you saying just now? That the Links were entering the castle? Answer me, dammit!! What did those little brats do to you!! BEEDLE!! Damn, I really wish we'd get the miniature video cameras installed in these things... Listen Beedle, if you don't answer me in five seconds, I'm gonna send a goddamn bomb right out the window onto your spot! That way, if Link and his buddies haven't killed you already, you'll be killed by ME for not listening, you hear me?! Ready... ONE!"_

The voice was unmistakable. It was Ganon...  
_"...TWO!..."  
_The Links were getting worried. What if Ganon found out they were there?  
_"...THREE!..."_  
Maybe one of them could grab the stone and speak into it, and pretend they were Beedle... No, it was far too risky. They'd better just run... Or maybe they could...?  
_"...FOUR!..."_  
They were running out of time! They had to decide quick! What should they do??

The Links were panicking. They knew their best option would be to answer to the stone, but they all were pretty much waiting for each other to do it...

_"FIVE!!"_  
"Hello?"

Purple had grabbed the stone at the very last second. Everyone sighed.  
_"Beedle? Where the HELL were you?!"_  
"I wath... uhh... planting a tree!"  
_"You halted your conversation with me just so you could run off and plant a damn TREE?!"  
_"Hey, treeth are important!"  
_"Boy, I wouldn't care if you were in the middle of taking a CRAP! If you hear me talking to you, you pull your pants up and LISTEN!!"  
_"OK..."  
_"And besides, I TOLD you not to take the stupid 'Arbor Day Activist' charade too far. You already did take it too far when you showed us that very odd demonstration of yours..."  
_"Oh, OK. I'm thorry."  
_"...Beedle, you sound kinda funny. And what's with the lisp? Are you feelin' OK?"_  
"Umm... I'm actually feeling jutht a little bit thick..."  
_"Sick? Beedle, you KNOW what I do to my guards who get SICK, don't you...?"  
_"Umm... give them a day off?"  
_"NO! I slit their throats!!"_  
"Oh! I, uh... I'm actually feeling great! It'th justht... Doethn't matter. I'm not thick."  
_"...You sure?"_  
"Abstholutely!"  
_"OK... if you say so... So anyway Beedle, what was it you were saying last time? Did I hear you say 'The Links are entering the castle'?!"  
_"Umm... no! No, that'th not at all what I thaid! I thaid, um... The DRINKTH are coming without a hathle!"  
_"Wha-? Oh, yes. Very good. I forgot I asked you to tell the butler to bring me my wine cooler..."_  
"OOH! Wine Cooler?! What flavor ith it?!"  
_"Umm... Strawberry Banana..."_  
"OOH! Thounds scrumptioth!"  
Red had to go off somewhere and laugh his ass off.

_"Well, this is great news. The Links have not arrived yet, then?"  
_"Nope! Not yet!"  
_"Good..."_  
"Yup!"  
_"Oh, but wait... I could've sworn I heard a humongous explosion earlier... do you have any idea what that was?"_  
"Umm... I, I don't think... uhh..."  
"Did another Stalfos step on a mine?"  
"_Umm... yeah, I think tho!"  
_"Ugh... stupid Stalfos's..."

Link then ran up to Purple. "Hey Purple," he whispered, "I have an idea. Instead of just making Ganon believe we haven't arrived yet, we should just make him believe we're dead!"  
"But how?" whispered Purple.  
"Just... just tell him it was _us_ that was blown up by the mine!"  
"Do you really think it would work?"  
"Not entirely, but it's worth a shot..."  
"OK..."

Purple then put the stone back up to mouth.  
"Wait! Ganon! Breaking newth! It turnth out the Linkth were the ones who stepped on the mine! They're dead!"  
_"Are you serious?!"  
_"Yeah! I'm, uh... looking at their dead bodies with my own eyeth!"  
_"Why, this is fantastic! Finally! I can claim the Triforce without delay! I'm going down there right now!"_

"NO! No, wait. It's OK. I'll just uh... have a Thtalfos guy bring it up to you."  
_"Hmm... I guess. You know what, yeah. Go ahead and do that. My wine cooler just got here."  
_"OK, yeah."  
_"I can't believe it! The Links are dead and the Triforce is mine!"_  
"Yup! It'th a happy day indeed!"  
_"But wait a minute..."_

Purple's heart began to race. "What...?"  
_"The Links aren't armed with the Master Sword... are they?"  
_"Umm... I... I wouldn't know... I-"  
_"Beedle, you ARE looking at their bodies, right?"  
_"Umm... uh, yeah, they're here..."  
_"Well then tell me, do they have the Master Sword or not?!"_  
"Err... I can't really tell..."  
_"Because if they DO have the Master Sword, there's no reason why a little mine should've killed them..."_  
"Uhh... does it make a big differenth? I mean-"  
_"You asshat! It makes ALL the difference! I've explained this to you already - if the Links get the Master Sword, we are in deep ! If they have the Master Sword, I am gonna fuggin' hide under my bed! Ya know WHY?! Because with the Master Sword, those little brats are frickin' INVINCIBLE!!"_

All the Links cracked a smile.

_"So tell me, do they have it or not?!"  
_"Umm... I... I don't really know..."  
_"ANSWER ME!! YES OR NO!!"_

Purple was stammering. He didn't know what to say...  
_"BEEDLE, DO THEY HAVE THE MASTER SWORD OR NOT!?"_  
"NO!"

_"...Really?"_  
"Umm... no, it doethn't look like it."  
_"OK then, why didn't you tell me before I became impatient?!"_  
"I jutht, uhh... had to make sure it wathn't the Mathter Thword first..."  
_"Beedle, I've told you what the Master Sword looks like. You should know..."  
_"Umm... you have?"  
_"Of course!"_ Purple looked at his sword as Ganon gave the description. _"You remember, right? The sword with the handle of steel shaped for the hero's hand... the golden Triforce mark embedded into the handle... the long, silver blade that glows with a mystical, evil-destroying light..."  
_"Umm... Yeah, yeah. I remember!"  
_"Do the swords that the dead Links have look like that?"_  
"Uhh, nope! They just look like the old Four Swordth to me!"  
_"Very good! Now I guess I can call Goht back and tell him he doesn't have to guard the Sanctuary anymore..."_

Purple felt the need to say something, but wasn't sure what. Goht was dead! How was Purple going to tell him that?

After a few seconds, Purple heard Ganon's voice again. _"That's odd... he's not picking up..."  
_"Umm... well, don't jump to any conclusionth now! It's not like he got blown up or anything!"  
_"Beedle, what are you talking about?"_

"I... I don't know..."  
_"That's it, I'm going down there and slitting your throat..."_  
"NO, really! I'm not thick! I'm jutht... a little tired, ith all..."  
_"Tired? Beedle, you KNOW what I do to my guards who get TIRED, don't you?"  
_"Umm... let them take a nap?"  
_"NO! I bite off their genitals!!"  
_"Guh-WHA??"  
_"So, you still tired?"_  
"Of course no-!"

Before Purple could finish, Red grabbed the stone out of Purple's hand. Red spoke into it...  
"Oh yeah, I'm still REALLY tired! Oh man, I think I'm gonna fall asleep!"  
_"Beedle, you twit! Do you WANT your genitals to be bitten off!?"  
_"Oh man, I really don't care! I'm just so sleepy! Ugh... night-night..."  
Red then plopped the stone right down next to Beedle's still unconscious body.  
Link smiled. "Man Red, you are BAD!"  
"Yup, I'm quite proud of myself actually..."

Link then looked down. "But you were right. You and Blue. I shouldn't have trusted some douchebag who lived right outside of Ganon's Castle..."  
"Aw, don't worry about it. It's cool."  
"OK. Besides, what did I plan on buying? I still only have this one rupee..." Link reached into his pocket and felt the green gem within. "Anyway, let's go!"

As the Links ran towards the castle door, they could hear Ganon's voice screaming from within the stone. _"BEEDLE!! Wake up goddammit! Answer me!! You know what? That's IT! I'm going down RIGHT now and biting off your happy family whether you're AWAKE for it or NOT...!!"_

The Links stopped at the giant castle doors.  
"Wait guys, this is hopeless..." said Link. "We came in here before, but we failed big time! How do we know it's not just going to happen again!"  
"But we have the Mathter Swordth now, thilly!"  
"I know Purple, but I still think there's something else we didn't do right last time... something that we probably should've done..."

They were all silent for a long time...  
until Blue finally revealed that which awakened the truth within them all...  
"We didn't go in together."

Link looked at his clones. He observed them carefully.  
They were all so scared...  
Well, except Blue, of course, but he could tell Purple and Red were just as frightened to go forward as Link...  
No, they were even _more_ frightened...  
Why?  
Because of those horrible things on the backs of their hands...

Link looked up in the sky. "Fred," he said under his breath, "If you can hear me... I now know what it is I have to do..."  
A small gust of wind flew by, as though in response.

Link then drew his Master Sword. "Come on guys! Let's fix our past mistakes!"  
The other three drew their swords, and all four clashed in midair.  
"Let's move forward... together!"  
"TOGETHER!" They all shouted.  
They then boldly entered the giant oak doors into the dark interior of the castle once again...

* * *

The four found themselves in the foyer through which they had exited the castle last time. Link remembered - there was a staircase leading up. If they continued going up, they'd eventually reach the roof. There was also the other staircase leading down, to the basement. Where should they go?

"Hmm..." thought Link, "Isn't the final boss usually on the roof?"  
"Yeah," said Red. "Remember Ocarina of Time? And Wind Waker?"  
"Yeah. Let's head to the roof!"

The Links ran up the stairs. The whole castle was so dark and quiet... weren't there any guards _inside_ the castle? Thankfully, the glow of the Master Swords were enough to illuminate the dark hallways, but the Links were still puzzled. Why leave the inside so empty...?

They walked up flight after flight, seeing nothing that really proved to be much of a threat. On fact, they became so confident that nothing was there that they began to talk.

"So Link," said Red. "We've heard a lot about this Ganon guy. But what about Vaati? Is he as evil?"  
"I dunno," said Link. "He actually is a really smart guy. I'm not sure he really likes working with Ganon. Well, he does actually, but he and Ganon don't always get along so well. But he told me that even through thick and thin, they have always been able to get by and work as one. Because they know that despite how much they believe otherwise, they know they can't do any of their hard work alone. And that they don't really need each other just as work partners, but that they just need each other... you know, someone to talk to and share experiences with. Someone they can both call a friend..."  
Purple had been listening intently. "A... friend?"  
"Yeah," said Link. "A friend..."

Blue, who had been silent the entire time, looked up at Link. "And why would Vaati feel the need to tell you about this?"  
He said it in a way which it was clear that he knew the answer, and was wondering if Link knew the answer as well...

In fact, Link's conversation with Vaati had been lingering on the edges of Link's mind the entire adventure. Yet he hadn't quite been able to put the pieces together...  
Until now...

"You know what guys? Maybe I haven't made this clear enough, but you guys... well... you're alright!"  
"Heh... thanks dipstick."  
"Yeah Link! Your not thuch a bad guy after all!"  
Blue nodded.  
Link smiled.

But then suddenly, they heard a rumbling sound coming from within the depths of the pitch dark hallway. It sounded like a humungous beast lumbering towards them!  
But they couldn't see it...  
The stomping of heavy feet echoed through the dark hallway. Link held up his sword so he may get a better look. "I wanna see what it is..." said Link.  
The other four did as well. The mystical light from their Master Swords illuminated the hallway just bright enough to see a large, shadowy silhouette stalking towards them. However, upon sight of the light, the figure stopped.

It then moved closer slowly...  
Until he was in the light...

"Ganon?!" they all shouted.  
"Link? Red? Blue? Purple?!" Ganon shouted in surprise.  
"Why aren't you on the roof? Ithn't that where you're thuppothed to be?" asked Purple, confused.  
"Well, I WAS supposed to be, but one of my idiot guards fell asleep on me while talking to me on the stone, so I'm going down right now to punish him."  
"How?" asked Red, even though he already knew the answer.  
"You don't wanna know..."  
"Yeah, I bet not..." said Red, snickering under his breath.  
"But wait," said Ganon, "that guy told me that you guys were DEAD! And that you DIDN'T have the Master Sword!"  
"Well, he's a moron," said Link.  
"Damn right he is..." said Ganon angrily.  
Blue then asked, "but Ganon, are you really willing to punish that man while we, your sworn enemies, are standing right in your path, holding the very bane of your existence?"  
The four Links all held up their Master Swords.  
Ganon looked unfrightened, but inside, he was screaming. Blue could tell. Ya know, animal instincts C:

"I'll be with you shrimps in a minute. In the meantime, my partner Vaati is patiently waiting on the roof. Why not go up and pay him a visit? And while you do, take a look down into the courtyard at the man on the carpet... and watch just what I'm willing to do to get the things that I want. Hehehe..."  
Purple nearly gagged thinking about it.

"Well then, ya little peabrains! I'll meet you at the top!"  
With that, Ganon raised his mighty Trident and swiped the four Links into the wall before proceeding down the hallway.

"Well, that was a surprise," said Link. "I was kinda hoping we could surprise Ganon on the roof and catch him off guard. Oh well..."  
"It's alright!" said Red. "We can still catch him off guard! He'll come up to the roof to find Vaati skewered on my Master Sword!"  
Red and Purple laughed, and so did Link, though hearing that kind of made him feel a little worried...

* * *

The Links continued up the stairs until they finally came to an outdoor section of the castle. They continued to climb the stairs up into the dark sky...  
Dark clouds swirled unnaturally overhead. A distant bolt of lightning would occasionally answer with a faint rumble of thunder. Strong winds blew incessantly - they could feel their clothes flapping with the gales. And it was so foggy that it was hard for them to see the way forward. One wrong step could only mean goodbye...  
Also if they looked off the edge of the tower, it would be nigh impossible to see the bottom...  
"Damn," thought Red. "Now we won't be able to see-"  
"Just be quiet Red," said Link.

They continued to climb the stairs in the harsh weather until they finally reached the roof...

And there was Vaati, floating there as though he'd been waiting for quite some time...

"Hello boys..." he said. "So nice of you to drop by."  
"Quit the small-talk," said Red. "Your candy ass is goin' DOWN!" He charged with his Master Sword, but just as he was ready to stab, Vaati wrapped an arm around Red's neck, lifted him up, and threw him back.  
"Don't be so rude now!" said Vaati. "We shan't begin to fight until the odds are even. It's only fair..."  
They stood for several seconds, just listening to the howling wind, until...

_"AAAUUUGGGHHH!! OH MY GOD!! MY WANG!! Oh, it hurts! It hurts! It HURTS!! Oooggghhhh! OH SHI-!! MY BALLS!! WWHHHHHHYYYYYYYY!! Oh, wait, I think you missed something ther- AAAAAAAOOOOOOOGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!"_

Link, Red, and Purple winced at every outburst. Geez, Beedle sure did sound like he was in a lot of pain. Well no wonder! o.0

"Ganon shall be here any minute now," said Vaati. "Until then, what would you like to do? We could just sit and chat like gentlemen... or you can try to fight, in which case I will break your necks!"

Link looked at Vaati helplessly. None of the others were totally sure what to do either...  
What should they do before Ganon arrived?

Link put his sword back in his sheath. "Yo Vaati! I've been thinking about that talk we had earlier in the story, and I-"  
"The _story_?"  
"Umm... never mind. Anyway, I've been thinking about it, and I think I understand what you've been trying to tell me..."  
"Is that so?"  
"Yeah. The way Ganon always believed he could do everything on his own... and that if he ever made any mistakes, he would always blame them on you..."  
"Yes..." said Vaati.  
"Yet despite how much he may say he believes such things, he really means the total opposite. He really needs you to be his partner... and his friend..."  
"Yes..." Vaati repeated again.  
"Well, I now understand it..."  
"Yes..."  
"I'm Ganon. And you guys..." he said, pointing to Red, Blue and Purple. "You guys are Vaati... I never thought I'd need you guys any more than I do now. I really need you guys as partners..."  
Links three clones listened intently, as though waiting to hear the rest...  
"...and as friends..."

All three of the smiled.  
Even Blue. C:  
Link held out his arms and took Red in one and Blue in the other. Purple jumped in and wrapped his arms around everybody.  
In the middle of the most horrible catastrophe Hyrule had ever seen...  
It was a heartwarming moment Hyrule had ever seen.

"Yes," repeated Vaati. "Yes... Yes..."  
"Vaati, you can shut up now."  
"Oh, sorry."

Not a moment later, a bolt of black lightning struck the roof of the tower! Ganon appeared magically at the point of impact. He walked over to Vaati, and stood with his trident ready. He looked at the scene before him.  
"Aw... the little Linky pals are hugging! Oh, I think I might cry! Boo-hoo!"

The Links then separated and stood shoulder to shoulder.  
They withdrew their Master Swords all at once.  
"You ass spelunkers are goin' down..." said Red.  
"Yeah, we're gonna thtomp your big thexy booties!" said Purple.  
"I may not be able to feel, but I'm smart enough to know what's best for the world. That's to have you two out of it," said Blue.  
Link lowered his eyes. "Yup. And the Triforce will never be yours to have!"

With that, all four began to charge bravely at the two villains.  
And with the clash of swords against trident, the battle was on.

Link and Red both leapt at Ganon while Purple and Blue concentrated on Vaati. Link managed to dodge all of Ganon's blows, yet he wasn't able to land a blow on Ganon either. Red was having equal difficulty.

Link would occasionally look over at Purple and Blue fighting Vaati. Purple was doing a fine job, especially considering his, err... mindset. But damn, Blue was kicking ASS! Link was plumb astounded to see Blue doin' all sorts of wicked sword moves that would put Yoda to shame!

Purple swung his sword at Vaati's eye, but was too afraid to get too close.  
"Get him Blue!" he yelled.  
Blue would simply nod and go crazy on Vaati's ass.  
However, Vaati had begun to catch Blue's drift.  
"Go kill Purple, Blue!"  
Blue stopped, not entirely sure what to do. His profound obedience was in severe conflict.  
"Come on, kill Vaati! He'th EVIL!" Purple would shout.  
But Vaati shouted louder still. "No Blue! PURPLE'S the one you want to kill!"  
Blue looked back and forth between the two. He had become so confused that he finally cracked.  
"HHHHHYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAA!!" straight at Vaati!

He then whipped out a bomb and blasted Vaati right in the eye!  
Vaati blew back several feet and landed hard. He wasn't dead, but he was certainly hurt.

"YES!" Link cried audibly.  
However, he took his attention away from Ganon a second too long.  
Ganon grabbed Link in his humungous hand and lifted him up. He stared angrily and said, "You little maggot. I have no use for you!"

Link had a feeling he knew what was coming. He lifted his Master Sword and shoved it into the back of Ganon's hand.  
Ganon screamed and threw Link across the roof towards where Vaati lay injured.

Blue and Purple had run over to Ganon and began to fight him, but unfortunately, they all gave Ganon the perfect chance...  
He held up his Trident and swung it down hard.

All three Links were scraped across the face and thrown across the roof.  
"NOOO!!" Link shouted. At that moment, an extremely sharp pain erupted in Link's chest. But his mind wasn't on that. "Please... don't hurt them..."

Ganon approached the three hurt warriors threateningly.  
"Now..." he said. "I can claim the Triforce as my own!"  
The three could only look up as Ganon held his trident high in the air...  
Ready to shove it through their helpless skulls...

Link's eyes narrowed. Despite his pain, he stood up. He knew he had to save his friends somehow. Perhaps not just get them out of danger temporarily. Perhaps he could find a way to get them out of danger for good. Maybe he could convert their danger to him?

Link's mind suddenly went to Fred's message...

Link gathered up all that remained of his strength and ran over to Ganon, who was just about ready to spear the three helpless heroes...  
"Hey Ganon!"

Ganon stopped, and turned around. He found himself staring into Link's butt cheeks.  
"What the f-?!"  
But before he could finish, Link let out a big one in Ganon's face.

Ganon sniffed the air and nearly gagged. Link, Red, and Purple all laughed, even in their pain.  
Ganon then became angry. He focused all his attention on Link, holding his trident to Link's chest. "Where do you get the nerve to do this to me?!" he asked angrily.  
Link, however, was unafraid. He backed up slowly and said... "I've learned a lot these past days, Ganon. I've learned what it truly means to be noble... and righteous... and what it really means to be a hero. It's not what you do that matters. It's why..." he glanced at Vaati, who was listening intently. "And on top of that, I now know that if I make a mistake, I must take responsibility for it myself instead of hiding behind my friends..."  
The Links, Ganon, and Vaati all waited to hear the rest.  
"And that's why I must do this..."  
"Do what?" everyone asked.

Link held up his hand, closed his eyes, and began to wish...  
And as he did, the Triforce Marks on the backs of his clones' hands began to levitate.  
"NOOO!" Red cried. "Link, what the hell?!"  
Purple was whimpering. "Link! Thtop! THTOP! Don't do this!"  
Blue only stared as his piece began to rise from his hand, though he understood Link's decision entirely.

The three pieces floated overhead...  
Fused into one...  
And shrunk down onto Link's left hand.

"There," Link said to Ganon. "Now, if you want the Triforce, you'll have to take me..."  
Ganon narrowed his eyes. "Such loyalty..." he said, "...misplaced!"  
With that, Ganon charged. But Link didn't resist. He merely stood with his eyes closed.  
His clones could only stand and watch. There was nothing they could do...

Ganon let out a battle cry, raised his trident... And shoved it into Link's chest!  
The two outer prongs of the trident stabbed Link below each shoulder...  
The center prong sank into Link's heart.

"NOOO!!" Purple cried. He immediately broke down into tears.  
Red grabbed Purple to try and console him, but he, too, could feel the tears well up in his eyes.  
Blue could only down at the floor.

As Link's motionless body stumbled to the floor, Ganon reached down and touched Link's left hand...  
The Triforce rose out and floated before him.  
Ganon laughed wickedly. "AT LAAAAAAAAAST!!" he yelled. Vaati joined him, and they laughed evilly at their success.

Red, Purple, and Blue ran over to Link. Red hoisted Link's body up.  
His eyes remained closed...  
"Pleathe wake up..." Purple said pleadingly.  
But he didn't.  
A thought then struck Red. "But guys... if Link's dead... shouldn't we be dead too? Why aren't we dead...?"  
"Because Link's not dead," said Blue. "He's alive. I can sense it."  
Red then shook Link like a rag doll. "Dammit! Wake up then! WAKE UP!"  
"Geez, Red! I'm awake! Quit shakin' me!"  
"Link?! LINK?! You're alive!!"

Red jumped on top of Link and embraced him.  
"Haha! That's enough Red!"  
But Purple and Blue joined in as well.

"But Link," asked Purple. "Didn't Ganon thtab you in the chest?"  
"Yeah," said Link. "But I always keep my Nintendo DS in my shirt pocket."  
"But what about your left arm?" asked Red.  
"Oh, I keep my GameBoy Color in there."  
"But what about your right arm?" asked Blue.  
Link looked at his right arm and saw blood dripping from it. "Ugh... I keep my PSP in there..."  
"Oh," said Blue, "that explains it..."  
"But Link!" cried Purple. "Ganon got the Triforthe! What do we do?!"

Link looked over at Ganon and Vaati standing in front of the Triforce. They seemed to be discussing something.  
"OK," said Ganon. "Since I did most of the work, I get to make the wish."  
"OK," said Vaati. "But can I have just one piece? I deserve something, don't I?"  
"I guess. You can have the Triforce of Wisdom, OK?"  
"Much obliged!"

Link felt around in his pockets for anything that could stop the approaching doomsday. His hand then touched the one rupee he had carried this entire time...  
He yanked it out and threw it at the villains' feet. They both looked down at it.

"OK," said Ganon. "You can have the piece, but I get the rupee."  
"Hell no!" protested Vaati. "Then you'll have two Triforce pieces and the rupee!"  
"SO?!"  
"So I should get the rupee!"  
"But I want the rupee!"  
"Well you can have the Triforce piece back, but I get the rupee!"  
"NOOOOO!!"

With that, Ganon yanked out his trident and Vaati whipped out his arm. They both screamed and shoved their weapons into each others' stomach.

Ganon's flesh and blood began to vanish as he became but a bare-boned pig skeleton...  
Vaati's eye slowly rolled into the back of his hand in pain...  
Both bodies then plopped down, motionless...

The Links stared, dumbfounded. "Damn..." said Red.  
"We did it!" said Link. "WE DID IT!"  
A small celebration ensued.  
Until they heard Ganon scream in rage!

All four turned around and saw Stalfos Ganon stalking towards them! He was screaming and swinging his trident like a madman!  
"I'M HERE TO TAKE FROM YOU WHAT YOU TRIED TO TAKE FROM US... PURPOSE!!" he yelled!

"Man, you've done one Matrix parody too many..." said Link. He whipped out his shotgun. The others yanked out their respective guns as well.  
Ganon's skeleton suddenly stopped. "What the hell are those?" he asked.  
"Their called... 'guns'..." said Link.  
And with that, the four fired away at Ganon's skeleton until it was nothing but a pile of crushed bones...  
Ganon was dead.

"Thanks Leon..." said Link under his breath.

"Well, I'm glad it'th over now!" said Purple.  
Link nodded, but suddenly became concerned. "Oh no!" he cried.

He ran over to Vaati, who appeared on the brink of death. "Vaati... are you OK?"  
"Ugh... no... I'm dying..."  
"No, Vaati! You can't! You've taught me so much!"  
"I know... but it's because of me that the world is in this state. Please Link... put an end to it..."  
Vaati stared pleadingly through his sad eye.  
Link nodded.  
He withdrew his Master Sword...  
And stabbed it into Vaati's eye.

A flash of white light flooded the earth. As it spread, all the pain and suffering caused by Ganon and Vaati became the way it once had been - peaceful and happy. The world was saved!

* * *

The Links soon found themselves in the castle courtyard.

"Yeah!" said Link. "We did it guys!"  
"KICKASS!!"  
"Oh, I'm THO happy right now! Theriouthly!"  
"Yup..."

A voice they all recognized then answered. "That was quite a noble thing you did Link."  
Link's eyes lit up. "Fred! You're back!"  
"Yup. I was hoping you would make that decision, Link. I waited nearly the whole frickin' story!"  
"Yup! And the world is saved because of it!"  
"...and that's also why you must return the Master Sword to its resting place."  
"Oh... I understand..." said Link. He looked at his clones sadly. "But... if I ever wanna see you guys again, I can just pull the Master Sword anytime I want!"  
"Yeah!" they all shouted.  
But Fred said nothing.

The four made their way to the Sanctuary. Link held the Master Sword over the pedestal, ready to insert it back in.  
"Wait," said Red...  
Link turned around. "Yeah?"  
"I just wanna say... that for a stupid pencil dick, you're pretty cool."  
"Yeah!" said Purple. "You're the cooletht guy ever! Oh, I could just KITH you!"  
"You're a good guy Link," said Blue. "Stay that way, and good things will come." He cracked a smile.  
"Thanks guys," said Link, his eyes almost teary.

He held out his arms, and all four embraced for one last group hug.  
"I'll see you guys later..." said Link.  
Red, Purple, and Blue nodded. "See you later..."

With that, Link shoved the Master Sword back into the pedestal. The three clones returned to their ectoplasmic ball state and floated back into Link's chest.

"Good-bye..." he said.

As Link walked back out into the forest, cast in orange by the rising sun, he realized he was missing his Clones already...

He realized that they were his only friends...

And that he had little else to live for...

Link ran back and promptly pulled the Master Sword out again...  
But nothing happened.

Link looked around the room, but his friends did not appear...

Red...

Purple...

Blue...

His friends... his darling friends...  
They were gone forever...

Link plopped down on the floor with the sword on his lap...  
and began to cry.  
He cried for a long time. What was he going to do? His only friends he had ever had were gone...

But a startling truth then came.  
They weren't gone...  
They were parts of him.  
They were in his very soul...  
Link stood up, knowing that his friends were always there inside...  
And that they would always be with him...

* * *

Link walked back to town. The Don greeted him. "Hey kid!"  
"Don?" Link asked. "But I thought I killed you!"  
"Nah, just my evil clone. Ganon's work. Ya did a great job killin' Ganon! That guy was so behind on his payments, I was contemplating killing him myself! But ya did it! I'm so happy I'm givin' you da mansion!"  
"Re-really?" asked Link.  
"Yup! Anyway, I'm on my way ta da Bahamas. Enjoy da place!"  
"Thanks!" Link called back. "You're the coolest undertaker I know!"  
"Whatever kid!" the Don called back.

Fred then spoke. "I'm real proud of you Link."  
"Thanks."  
"So, you know... I was thinking maybe I could just you that wish now and-"  
"No, Fred. It's OK."  
"Wha-?"  
"I think all my wishes have already been granted."  
"...You sure?"  
"Yeah. Let someone else get a chance to hold you..."  
"...OK, I respect your judgment Link..."

"Oh, umm... Fred, maybe you can do one last thing for me."  
"Sure Link, anything. What is it?"  
"Can you, umm, add just a little last-minute comedy to the story?"

"Sure!" said Fred. And with that, a pie came out of nowhere and splat in Link's face. "Aww, c'mon!" said Link. "That's gotta be the oldest gag EVAR!"

"No, this is!"

And with that, Link slipped on a banana peel. He could only laugh. "Hehe, thanks Fred."

"Don't mention it Link. I've gotta be going now. Good-bye..."

Link smiled. "Yeah, good-bye..."

Link couldn't believe it. His own house! The whole reason he'd even set out on this quest in the first place was for a house! And he now had one! This was the best day of his life!

Link ran inside and ran all the way up the stairs to the attic. It was there he found a window that led to the roof...  
He climbed out onto the shackled roof and lay down, staring at the gorgeous sunrise ahead...

Link lay in deep thought. He looked from side to side...  
His friends... He could see his friends sitting by him.  
Red... he could hear Red's wild laughter at one of his crazy pranks...  
Purple... trying to reach his hand down Link's pants...  
Blue... just smiling. And laughing...

Link sat on the roof staring at the rising sun.  
With his friends...  
Not physically there... But there nonetheless...  
For Link knew that they always would be.

_**/\THE END/\**_


End file.
